survive - 생존

Chapter 22 : Survival

Unexpectedly, I survived.

Jee Hoo left the dorm this morning, and I went to the dance practice. But I'm still alive. Yeehaw.

My eyes avoided Seung Min perfectly, I'm really impressed about their ability to act in disconnection with my brain. I haven't wanted to cry, and my heart hasn't hurt too much. If I was not currently busy by recording Seung Min's part of the song, and so, trying really hard to keep my feelings in the inside, I'd cheer myself and maybe even organize a tiny party all alone.

But he is here, in the tiny recording room, while I'm behind the desk, headphones on, focusing on the lyrics and the feeling that has to be given, and, of course, on holding my wish to open the door that separates us and hug Seung Min. We didn't really talk. I asked him to come, told him how I wanted him to sing, and gave him the lyrics. Every word he pronounces makes the beating of my heart go faster. His voice is perfect for this song.

-A bit slower. But keep that enthusiastic ton okay?

He nods and takes notes on his sheet. His eyes are so sad. There isn't anything happy in them. I want to tell him that everything will be alright. That, if he still loves me, he doesn't have to worry. I'll do what has to be done. But I can't tell him. I can't tell anybody about my new project. It needs to stay a secret until the very last second. Until the next assessment. It's all I need to prepare it, and be ready. After that, the pain will be over. At least I hope so.

-Nice! Everything's done. I'll just check it one more time, but I think it's perfect.

It's really surprising to see how I'm able to change my mood. One week earlier, I was devastated, I thought I could die, but now I'm here, feeling so light and relaxed. Or so I'm trying to act. My decision changed everything, and as days passed by, I've started to be more confident with my choice, and my pain went away. Because I know I took the right decision.

When Seung Min comes out of the recording room, I take off my headphone and give him an embarrassed smile.

-It's nice, really. Thank you for your disponibility.

-Ha Neul. Are we really not going to talk about that?

I sigh while he sits on the edge of the desk. Rubbing my face, I whisper :

-I don't think there's anything to say about it.

I can see the despair, the sadness and the exhaustion in his eyes. It makes me want to comfort him even more. But I need to stay distant.

-But I love you Ha Neul. It can't be over like that, just because of a few words.

My heart skips a beat. "I love you too. With all of my heart, I love you so much Seung Min.". That's what I'd want to say. I have to act cold, and it's breaking my heart. I stick my gaze in his and declare :

-Don't think about it. We don't have the choice. Don't forget your dream Seung Min. It's the priority, remember?

He sighs and rolls his sleeves. Just before he leaves the studio, I can see the scratchings on his wrists and I barely hold myself from running after him. He leaves the studio without any word more, and I end up alone again, with my guiltiness and sadness that came back. 

What am I doing? At this instant, I really hope I'm not breaking his heart too much, and I'm truly wishing that I'll be able to fix it later.

To relegate the pain at the bottom of my heart, I decide to focus on work again. In a week, it's the only antidote I found. I find myself so weak. I hide my face in my hands palms and hold back a sob. If he doesn't forgive me, I don't know what I'll do. I didn't consider any other option, and his refusal could break me, just like I broke him. Even though I can't think about it without feeling so much hurted, I think it would just be a ball return. So I'll keep clinging on my wish that he still loves me. 

Tomorrow is the assessment. I need to finish editing the song, and maybe get some sleep. It's already 9pm, I guess it'll take me less than an hour to finish the editing. I hope the director will like the song, or my whole work from the past week would just have been a waste of time.

-

I wake up at six. I've slept really bad. Normal since I fell asleep on the desk and dreamed of Seung Min telling me that he doesn't love me anymore. My back and heart are hurting. But I need to go in the dorm to take a shower and put on some decent clothes. Still yawning and half asleep, I pack my stuff and leave the studio, not forgetting to take the USB-key where the song is. 

I can't tell that I'm happy actually, but... there's a feeling, inside of me, that makes me feel in peace. It's a bit scary since I'll end up in the face of the unknown, and my brain is probably just denying the fact that I'm supposed to drown in panic. Let's just live in the moment, I'll fear the future later. 

In the dorm, while I'm taking a shower, I hear my two last roommates wake up and prepare themswelves for the assessment. I'll miss these two girls. When I leave the bathroom, Eun Jae and Iseul are having breakfast in the kitchen and turn to me with an expression of surprise on their faces.

-Unnie! How are you today? Ready for the performance?

-Hi girls. I'm good... what about you? The song is done, I hope the director will like it. 

I'd really love to act more friendly with them. I'd love to be closer to them. But I can't. Like I can't do anything positively for the next days. Because it'll be so much harder to do what I decided if I'm close to everyone. So the conversation goes on in an awkward way. I can feel that Iseul and Eun Jae don't know how to act with me. And I feel really sorry toward them. 

After the breakfast, we make our way to the agency, ready or not for the assessment. It's the first time I'll perform on an original song. My song. 

-

There really isn't much to say about the performance. In general, everything went good, except for Chin Ho who missed a beat and was lost for a few seconds after that. Everyone did his best, and the director looked undifferent as usual. 

I feel guilty to say that so emotionless, but I feel like Chin Ho will be the one to be fired. Which means that the official male members of the group will be Seung Min, Min Hwan, Ki Suk, and Dong Min. I'm really satisfied about it. I'm sure that Orpheus will go far with them.

-Im Chin Ho, you can go. Thank you for your work. 

I startle when the director's voice breaks the silence, and so my thoughts. I was right. But I'm still sad for him. Of course he was really shy, maybe too much, and inexperienced, but I could feel how much he wanted to debut. He needs more time. I look at him leaving the room, hiding his face with his hands. 

-Congratulations to the other men, you're in. So there's still one girl  who will be fired, and then Orpheus will be completed. For that, you need to prepare one more assessment which will be a solo one. Just prepare a song, anything you want, and sing it. Let's do it in hum... four days? It's Wednesday, so Monday will be fine. Thank you. 

And she leaves the room. When I look around, I see the boys smiles. I'm so happy for them, they deserve it so much. There's only Seung Min who looks sad. And I think I know why. Because if he's in the group, and if I end up being in it too, we won't ever be together again. And I can understand his feeling. I try to catch his gaze from the opposite of the room, and when he looks at me, he seems surprised that I'm looking at him. I give him a thumb up and a small smile, which makes him look even sadder and avoid my glance. 

-

I return to my studio right after the assessment, despite the invitation Min Hwan made me to go to the restaurant and celebrate the announcement of the male members. I could see the disappointment in his eyes, but he seemed to understand. I'm really happy for him that he looks good again. I still don't know what happened in his life, but it's a relief that appparently it's over now. 

I have only four days left to compose new songs. My solo performance isn't even a source of worry since I won't prepare anything. I'll just act as my heart will tell me to. 

And just like that, I continue on my new routine, writing everything that passes in my mind, recording new melodies, eating when I'm about to die of hunger, and sleep when I fall of exhaustion. It'll soon be over. Hopefully. Cause I think I won't last more. It's either I change my lifestyle, either I fall in depression. 

I just need to survive four more days.