survive - 생존

Chapter 24 : Fight for us

I thought it would be nothing but positive. Falling in love was hard. It made me sad, nervous, despaired. But in the end, there was always this feeling of happiness in my heart. Even if I was going through a hard time, there was always that sensation of joy whenever I saw her. So, with the time, I learned how to live with that feeling. And when we ended up in the same agency, I thanked whoever needed to be thanked for that. Because my wait was being rewarded.

But at the very first second I told her how I felt, I knew it was maybe a not so good idea. I knew that I was putting that cherished feeling at risk. And I was right. Because when I told her how my heart was reacting to her, it automatically involved hers.

So yes, it was some of the best moments of my life that I spent with her. Yes, it made me feel so happy, delighted of all my worries, anxieties, the burden on my shoulders. I was feeling alive. I was feeling heared, loved, cared.

But now, now that Ha Neul is standing in the middle of the room, after saying that she is leaving, there's this bitterness in my mouth, slowly sliding in my throat and invading my body. Because I know that it's my fault. I've been egoistic. I've wanted too much. And I ruined everything.

Parallely to my self-anger, my anxiety grows bigger. What am I going to do?

Because one thing is sure, I can't let her go. Because she never asked to be involved in that. I am the one who started the rollercoaster. And it seems like the end of the road has been forgotten. We're going to fall if I don't push on the "stop" button. I am the only one who's got the remote in hand.

I am the only one who can break both of our hearts.

I stand up too, and my voice is unexpectedly loud and hoarse when I break the silence that has set in.

-You can't go. I won't let you.

When she looks at me, I can see the storm in her grey eyes. How could I think that she erased me from her life so easily? In the hurricane spin tears, hate, broken dreams. How could I not see what she was feeling? How could I ignore the plight in her eyes? Looking at her, I understand that maybe, she already broke her own heart.

I see that she wants to answer, I see that she's looking for her words, I see that she won't give up on her decision, but all that comes is tears. And I'm here, a few meters away from her, unable to move, unable to take her in my arms, unable to comfort her and tell her that she'll be alright. Unable to tell her that I love her.

Because I didn't do anything. I yelled at her, telling her to not obey to the director, to not act like a slave. But I guess I'm the one who should have listened to these words. While she acted, I stayed still. I didn't do anything. I closed my eyes on the cruelty the director was using. I continued as if Kang Ha Neul was just a page of the book of my life, just a page that I turned to continue my reading. Even if my heart was aching because of how much I loved this page, I haven't tried to make it last. I gave up.

I'm a coward. That's the first word that comes to my mind. And I can't be one any more. I'm running out of egoism. And if I love her, I can't let her abandon her dream. She let everything behind her. She chose that dream long before me. So even if she thought of this decision a lot, I can't let her choose me.

Because that was her last chance.

She is a page, maybe a chapter of the book of my life. And she'll appear in the honorifics for sure. But becoming an idol is not just a chapter of her life. It's the whole book. It's what she's living for.

I feel the director's gaze on us. We're causing trouble again. And it looks like she's about to make a bomb explode when she opens her mouth :

-Perfect. Leave the group, and Orpheus will be complete. We need eight members, so without you, we're complete.