survive - 생존

Chapter 21 : Another loss

Seven. It's the number of days I spent avoiding Seung Min. Also the number of days that has passed since we broke up.

After I took my decision, I lived at night and slept (sometimes) during the day. 

Eight. It's the number of songs I composed during these days. And it's the number of songs I will give to the group. 

Twelve. It's the number of members whom I recorded the part for the next performance, including me. Jee Hoo, and, of course, Seung Min, are the last ones I need to record. The group chose a song, and one after all, the members came to the studio, my new house, to record their part after I rearranged the song. It's a strange feeling to change something you created all alone into a common project. 

Three. It's the number of days til the performance. It's already Monday again, and the assessment is on Wednesday. Which means that I'll soon have to see Seung Min and the rest of the group to practice the choreography. Min Hwan teached it to me last night, so at least I won't have to learn it while the others are around me. 

I'm exhausted. I can probably count on my fingers the number of hours I'll still be able to spend without passing out. But it's the only way I found to avoid my brokenheart. He's not invited to the recording studio. I only came back to the dorm to shower and take some clean clothes. I eat and sleep here, on a couch looking more like a bench than a decent sofa. My diet is composed of instant noodles, cereals, and sometimes, when I'm about to turn crazy, I go and buy an ice cream jar. Okay. To be honest I was about to turn crazy a lot of times. There's actually a pyramid of empty jars next to the desk. 

I'm amazed that the director still hasn't fire me because of my new lifestyle. Anyway, it wouldn't change anything. 

I close my notebook when I'm done with the writing of the thirteenth song lyrics. I need a break. I automatically look for my phone when I'm about to leave the room, but I remember that it's still in my bedroom in the dorm. I let it there to not look at the messages Seung Min sent me. Everyone knows that I'm living here, so they just have to come if they have anything important to tell me. 

When I open the door, I surprise Jee Hoo, fist in the air, about to knock on it. 

-Huh, hello?

-Come with me. 

I shrug and follow her. 

-Where are we going?

-To the dorm.

I sigh. I don't want to go there. In fact, I don't want to go anywhere related to Seung Min anymore. When we arrive at the dorms floor, it seems like a ghost town. I can hear the air conditioning because of how quiet it is around us. I give Jee Hoo an interrogative look and she sighs while unlocking our door.

-I made sure that you couldn't meet anybody. They're all practicing the choreography. 

-And why aren't you with them?

-Don't ask anything about that. 

Something's fishy. Jee Hoo leads me to the bathroom and puts me in front of the mirror. 

-Look at you. Remember when I told you that I was gonna support you no matter what? It didn't mean that I'd let you become a vegetable okay? Or a zombie, nevermind. 

I gulp. I've never been so ugly in my entire life. My hair is oily, my bangs are glued to my forehead and I could lodge an entire family of racoons in my under-eyes bags. Racoons are cute, don't ask me why I chose racoons and not otters.

-Are you sure that you want to be an idol? 

-No.

She's so surprised of my answer that she slaps my back and makes me choke.