survive - 생존

Min Hwan's Extra Chapter 1

It's so boring. Every night is the same as the last one. And every night he breaks his heart again.

Despite the crowd, the music and the scent of alcohol and sweat, Min Hwan can't look anywhere else. There's only him and nobody else on the dance floor. Hyo, like every other night, is putting his soul in his dance steps. There's an aura around him. But this aura is also a shield, protecting him from Min Hwan.

So the red-haired boy continues on sipping his seventh glass of whatever alcohol it is, thinking about how he could not ever be able to move on. When Shin Il suddenly screams in his ear to overcome the music, Min Hwan startles, shaking his glass and making the ice cubes jingle.

-What?!

-I said, don't you want to come and dance?!

Min Hwan nods and finishes his drinking in a shot. It's that time of the night. Because it's always the same scenario. Min Hwan will join his friends, fall in love once again, and leave them to avoid the pain of his heart. The way he puts his empty glass on the table may be a bit too strong and brutal, but he needs to give himself some bravery.

As soon as he enters the dance floor, Hyo gives him that smile. The one that crushes, burns, destroys Min Hwan's heart. But he gives him his smile back. Reaching for his hand, Hyo pulls Min Hwan to him and the two young men start dancing together.

After only a few minutes, an unknown man arrives and starts flirting with Hyo. The angriness starts to rise, and Min Hwan leaves the dance floor to order an other drink. It's as simple as that. And it's always the same scenario. Every damn night.

The music is too loud. There's too much people. There's too much bad smells. His heart is about to explode when he sees Hyo kissing that man he met just ten minutes ago. Holding his glass tighter, Min Hwan can't help but look at the scene that's happening in front of him. That stranger is stroking Hyo's blonde hair. He is embracing Hyo's rosy lips. He is dancing in Hyo's arms. He is putting his hands on Hyo's back. And, above all, he is getting Hyo's smile.

Min Hwan closes his eyes. He can't bare it anymore for tonight. Why him? He knows him since a handful of minutes and is getting everything that Min Hwan has been dreaming for two years.

Yesterday, he really thought that something would happen. Something he'd wish for so many times. He didn't think he'd meet Hyo at the swimming pool, but he was there, alone, swimming beautifully. Min Hwan was frozen for a second, drowning in the scene he was watching. When Hyo saw him, he shook his head to dry his hair and got out of the bassin. Despite the presence of his teammates, Min Hwan decided to take his chance. Him and Hyo discussed for a few minutes and left the area, deciding to hang out together.

Since he knew Hyo, Min Hwan's heart has never beaten so fast. He took him to the agency, showing him his own world, proud of his actual life. Sharing that moment with Hyo was one of the best moment he spent these last months. At that moment, he wasn't the drunk and desperately in love man. He was the teenager he still is, trying to open his heart, trying to gently show the love he feels. But once in the practice room, Hyo started to talk to him about boys. Boys that are not Min Hwan. And his heart broke again.

He needs to do something or he'll turn crazy. Another shot empties his glass again and he gets up. Min Hwan just have to find a good looking boy that will change his thoughts for tonight. It won't be too difficult. The young man doesn't even have to leave his seat because someone grabs his wrist, making him turn.

-Can I buy you a drink?!

After a quick analysis, Min Hwan nods with a smile. A new drink will definitely be the thing that he needs to forget everything. But he knows that tomorrow, when he'll wake up, the only thing that he wanted to forget will be the only thing he will remember. Like every other damn time.

The boy he just met is pretty. Really. But Min Hwan already knows that he won't be able to give him more than a night. And it looks like the boy doesn't want more. It's perfect. They drink, try to discuss despite the noise and the music, and Min Hwan finally asks the stranger if he wants to get out of the night club. He nods with a bright smile and follows him.

Everything is spinning. Everything is blurred, but when he turns his head to see Hyo one last time, Min Hwan is suddenly seeing perfectly. He's still dancing with that man. What does he have more than Min Hwan? The young man furiously takes the hand of his one-night-friend and finally leaves that suffocating place. He leaves his friends, his friends that don't know anything about his feelings. His friends that couldn't understand his feelings. He leaves them like every other night. But if he does that, it's only for one specific thing : leaving Hyo.

-Do you want to come to my house?

He's sweet. Even if he knows that it won't matter from tomorrow, Min Hwan can't help but feel a bit guilty toward that boy. He shakes his head and gives his new friend a smile.

-We don't need to go that far.

Attracting him behind the night club building, in a dark alleyway, they slowly get away from the music, muffled by the walls, moving away from the drunk people, and above all, from Hyo.

As soon as Min Hwan esteems them to be far enough, he pushes the stranger against the wall and kiss him furiously. He may be smaller than him, Min Hwan is putting all his strength in that kiss, all his rage and all his feelings are thrown from his lips. The taller one is difficulty breathing, exploring Min Hwan's body with his hands and rummaging his mid-long hair, while the other one is trying to avoid, another time, the feelings he'll never be able to erase from his mind.

Why? Why can't he think of anyone else? Why, when he is kissing that cute and sweet boy, can't he think about anyone else than Hyo? Why, as soon as he closes his eyes, can't he see anything else than Hyo's face? The more he's focusing on forgetting, the more stronger the picture is in his mind.

All it took was a kiss.

At that time, Min Hwan didn't know anything about his sexuality. He didn't know anything about love. After that kiss, it was over. During that damn party. Why did Hyo drink so much? Why was Min Hwan the one he chose to do that stupid thing? He didn't know that his act would be a poison. He didn't know that he would ruin Min Hwan's life when he kissed him. He didn't know that Min Hwan would be lost for the rest of his life after that quick but terribly sweet, perfect and dreamed kiss.

-You're hurting me.

Min Hwan doesn't care. He's hurt too. But nobody cares. Nobody never cares about Choi Min Hwan. The world is always turning around that fucking perfect Lee Hyo. Even his own world is turning around Lee Hyo.

-Please.

Min Hwan is now clinging on that stranger's body as if his life was depending on it. And it is. If he can't get enough love tonight, he won't sleep. But is it really love? No it's not. It has never been love. Nobody ever gave Min Hwan love. He can only feel it. He can only feel how painful it is. While kissing and biting his friend's lips, Min Hwan feels a tear entering his mouth. Salty. Like his heart. But right after that, he feels the blood's taste.

-What's wrong with you?! You're completely crazy!

His friend, no, he's not his friend. He's a perfect stranger. He pushes him away and leaves him. He leaves him in that dark alleyway. He leaves him alone. Min Hwan slowly slides on the ground, tears and alcohol floating in his spirit. The blood's taste is still here. All he get tonight was even more pain than usual. So he cries, here, alone, in that alleyway. He cries over his loneliness, over the happiness he will never feel, over the love he will never reach.

When Min Hwan comes home this night, or this morning, whatever time it is, Dong Min is drinking milk in the kitchen. The look he gives at Min Hwan shows that he thought he was sleeping in his room. But he wasn't. Like every other night. But nodoby noticed it. Because Choi Min Hwan is a ghost. The day, he's that happy and passionate boy, but as soon as the sun goes down, he becomes a shadow. A shadow broken by his love.

So Min Hwan gets in bed, ignoring his dongsaeng questions about his bleeding lips, the tears traces on his face, the fact that he is only coming home now. He gets in bed and sleeps. He sleeps, hoping that he will never wake up. Or that when he will wake up, his love will have disappeared.