Permanent |✔️

Chapter Three |Secret|

"Physically I'm here. Mentally I'm far away."  ~Ava
_______________________
|AVA'S POV|

I stared out of the window until it was sunset. I breathed out; relieved that the sun was out. 

The night always swallowed me, trapped me in fear and hatred, it's like all the demons were left out of there leash and ready to attack me.

When will this fear end?

Am I going to depend on those pills my whole life?

I wish I had my phone and headphones so that I can listen to my music, it makes me forget. Listening to the lyrics puts me in a new world of imagination.

"Tell me how it feels sitting up there?"

"Feeling so high, but you're far away to hold me."

"You know I'm the one to put you up there."

"Don't know why?"

"Thinking you can live without me."

The first few lyrics that popped in my head. I loved it, the meaning of this song was so powerful and zealous. The theme of its loneliness and betrayal.

I toke a look back at the timer and it was 6:09 am. I was in the same position looking out the window for a couple good four hours.

Stretching, I let out a yawn of exhaustion. Coffee didn't do me any good last night, So I don't know what to do.

I jogged upstairs to the room before John or Asher saw me. I don't know where Asher went after I apologized to him for probably waking him up.

Toke my clean cloth from the dryer, and toke them to the bathroom to take a shower, to probably awaken me.

"Stop crying like a baby." Asher's words cut through me from last night.

I'm so emotional and just want to break down right now. And on top of that it's Christmas, and I'm all alone on this day. I've been alone my whole life, but the pain of loneliness is still there, locked in me. It's like a permanent feeling;that will never change. I couldn't hold in my tears as I began to sob. Finding it difficult to breath.

You're a no one, why are you still living then?

There's no point for you living.

No one likes you.

Stop the torture.

It's easy.

It'd hurt for a while, but then you won't feel shit.

I promise.

Just do it.

Just do it.

One simple cut.

Knock, knock. "You've been in there for the past hour! I need to shower, get the fuck out!" Asher's voice brought me back to reality.

Breath in.
Breath out.
Breath in.
Breath out.

After a few seconds , I calmed down.

"In a minute." I whispered, my chest aching.

I got out of the shower, wrapping myself with a towel.