143

Ch18

I sat on my bed staring at the door, much like I had done a few days earlier when I'd agreed to go on a date with Harry. I just sat there, hoping and praying that Perrie would walk through the door – just as she'd done the last time – and calm me down. After what I'd just done, I didn't know if I'd be able to move, speak, breathe, or blink until someone came to shake me out of this mood I was in.

I needed to get my mind out of the dark shadows in the back of my mind that I'd ignored for so long. The week before, I'd been so content with pretending to be as oblivious as everyone thought I was about what went on between Louis and I. I mean, I was in denial, but I understood that there was a possibility that Perrie and Niall were right about Louis and I. Unfortunately, it didn't matter much anymore.

The look on his face.

That's all I could really think about as I sat motionless on my bed. He didn't smile, or frown. He just looked at me. I didn't want to look like a desperate mess when I stared back up at him after shoving my lips onto his in the heat of the moment, but I was pretty certain that I probably had. It didn't seem to affect him at all, and aside from being saddened by his lack of response, I was completely embarrassed by what I'd done. This is why I tried so hard to stay away from boys in Rossington.

The only boy I ever paid any mind to in there was my friend, Charlie. He had moved to America just after graduation, and I hadn't really spoken to him since then. We were friends when we were together, but never really kept in contact aside from seeing each other at school. I'm a horrible, awkward friend, I know, but that's just the relationship Charlie and I had.

I suppose he couldn't possibly have been the only boy I ever paid attention to in school. I had to have paid some attention to Louis since I hated him so much and kept tabs on him back then.

Now, I was sure that I'd lost both Charlie and Louis because of what I'd done. I'd lost Charlie months ago because of the obvious distance between us, and now it looked like Louis would probably never associate with me again. It wasn't completely my fault, though. I'd decided that Louis needed to be blamed for my misfortune because it was him who decided to lose feelings for me so quickly. One trip to Manchester, and poof! Adelaide who?

Now all I had to do was convince myself to do the same thing.

You don't like him. You don't like him. You don't like him. Hate. Hate. Hate.

I let the words run through my mind, still staring at the door.

He's a dufus. He's a douche bag. You don't like him. You don't like him. You don't – Fuck. I like him.

It was kind of useless to try to do anything about it right now. I needed time to get this idea of Louis and I out of my head. Just a few days earlier I'd realized that it was what I wanted, and now I was realizing that I needed to backtrack and try to forget about it.

I knew someone would come find me sitting there eventually, but I imagined it would be Perrie. So, when there was a knock on the door I groaned not wanting to get up and go answer the door. It obviously wasn't Perrie because she could have easily just used her key and let herself in. It wasn't Niall either because he always likes to knock repeatedly until someone finally gets up to answer.

There was a slight chance that it could've been Louis, but I knew that if it were him, he would've come a long time ago. It'd already been twenty minutes since I'd practically ran from him, so he was probably already gone with Niall and Liam.

I finally let out a long sigh before getting up and heading over to the door and opening it. Jade stood on the other side with an amused look on her face. I smiled weakly, not wanting her to know that I wasn't really in the mood for one of her sessions of girl talk. I loved the girl, but she could go on forever about cute boys, and cute boys were certainly something I did not want to think about at that moment. Didn't want to think about Louis. Didn't want to think about Harry. Didn't even want to think about Niall or Liam because they were with Louis and that would bring my mind to Louis.