Cheesecat log

Cheesecat Log: 2/13/19

So uh... tomorrow is a day apparently.

Uh... Tora brought it to my attention that's its this fabled thing called Valentine's Day and I for one...

Well actually I can't say anything because I forgot it existed but that's besides the point. I'm most likely going to go to school... watch all these other boys give roses or chocolate or crap to their girlfriends... watch a bunch of people kiss in the hallways most likely... and hang out with my two friends that are also never alone.

I tend to ignore the fact that they have a chance but honestly, who would want me? Last year I sulked through the day and blocked out everything... I think...

Last year though a girl that thought of me as a good friend gave me some chocolates and it actually made me happy... soooo... I'll most likely sulk through the school day tomorrow wondering why I have a one hundred percent chance of staying forever alone.

Anyways, imma write something else later and I guess the rest of you that read this and tell people to have a h- bleh a happy Valentine's Day do too I suppose.

Rewind 4 years ago... back to when a smaller cheese was less prominent to depression...

I had been dreading this day. I had only been here in this revamped school for a few days for the next 6 months and the hallways were still crowded due to people still scrambling to learn their schedule. I let out a long sigh as I left my grey hoodie up on my head and walked through the hallways, watching my classmates scramble back and forth with their phones in their hands.

Finally getting to my algebra class from my science class, I sat down at my assigned seat. And stared off into the distance before fixing my attention on the brown haired girl a few seats over. Her features always caught my eye. A few years ago was when I had first seen them. When we went outside for recess. A thing I rarely see nowadays.

I was zoning out as the bell rang. My eyes still fixated on the way her hair moved. The way it contrasted against her grey jacket. My teacher was reading off names and I tuned in again. My name was always at the bottom of the list. And when called I put my hand up.

I rarely talked. I rarely showed emotion. And very rarely was I ever seen without my grey hoodie. We were inseparable. I had no friends other than my neighbor that rode the bus with me but he happened to not be in any of my classes. Some teachers called me a mute. Some kids called me mentally retarded. Others called me depressed and scary. I could walk up behind a group of people and they wouldn't ever notice me until they saw my shadow.

I was lurched back to reality as my teacher called my name again with the words, Algebra Jeopardy on the large projector screen at the front of the class. He pointed to a table at the front of the room and hesitantly I shuffled to the table.

The girl was there. And the only seat left was the one in front of her. I was nervous. And then for the whole of 5 questions, I didn't go. I didn't speak. I suddenly didn't want to be here anymore. Then the teacher noticed my lack of participation and came over to tell me that I could either participate, or go to lunch detention.

In a rushed panic I lifted my head up from the desk, and locked eyes with the girl. She was pretty. With sparkling brown intelligent eyes and a small smile. Her brown hair re-braided again for the second time today with her bangs on the right side of her face.

My heart hurt and hurriedly I tried to work out the problem... looking over at the girl time and time again. Eventually she turned around and said the one thing I wished she hadn't.

"Solve the problem yourself and stop looking at my work."

My heart ached. My eyes dropped again and I felt like I had just swallowed a rock. How could such a pretty girl make words hurt so much...

I failed to solve the problem, causing my jeopardy team to lose. And I also failed to talk to the girl or make her like me, making me feel like even more of a loser.

She'd already had two boyfriends of her choosing and I was an idiot for trying. I could never do what she wanted. Her eyes suddenly looked cold and calculated as I skimmed her face on my way out the door to lunch. I had disappointed her.

And she hated me.

And to think today was Valentine's Day...

So far I've only had the girl one other time in one class... before I was transferred out of the class due to my lack of attention. It was still stuck on the girl if you're wondering.

But today I realize that I'll never find love. And even if I do it won't ever be real enough and I'll never be good enough. I'll always disappoint them all. No matter if it's my friends, parents, siblings, or cousins.

I hope you liked my story... I'll probably just go...