Cheesecat log

Cheesecat Log: 9/15/20

What if I just overthink too much? No wait I definitely overthink too much. I wish I could stop thinking. That's why I blast my head full of music all the time. Every second I'm not I'm either overthinking or there's the endless plethora of negative thoughts. Today I blasted my head full of splendiferachie and JubyPhonic. And afterwards the thoughts came back. Because I stopped listening to music. What if they both leave me. Or what if they forget about me. What if they don't like me if they actually get to know me? Do I fake my emotions? Do I actually ever trust anyone? Can I actually differentiate between love and temporary lust? Oh wait no I can't differentiate. Well shit. There's nobody I feel immediately comfortable with. People that say they won't leave me only make me want to push the sudden 'friendship' to the limit. I mean like. If I actively tried to show them the lazy annoying side of me will they disappear? Am I a fraud? Is my existence a lie? What the hell am I doing? I don't want to live. I don't want to die. I really don't want to get a stupid job because I hate people. People are so damn annoying about 7 times outta 10. But I don't wanna go back to school either. College I mean. Fuck that. What's the point of learning and spending money if I have no ambition or drive to do anything relating to society. I know I'm useless and I know I'm lazy but like do I need to start doing something or is my life truly meaningless. My parents are sick and tired of me and my siblings are too. So I guess I'm just a nuisance? Because I'm not useful to society? Because I don't follow orders from people that are too busy and create more tasks that are unfulfilling? Because I doubt my ability to do such? Is it because about out of the amount of hours in a month at least two are dedicated to thinking about knives? Maybe I just overthink too much. I'm just going to go back to YouTube and drown out my brain with maybe asmr as I fall asleep. That way I don't feel restless again. That or maybe it's all pointless. I'm surprised people still read this. I thought everyone died. Everyone who used to read this crap just up and died anyway. So at least there's no obligation to stay on here any longer than the chat of the damned.