Cheesecat log

Cheesecat Log: 7/13/20

It's not my fault that my existence creates dust. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to be given a conscious. I didn't ask for a soul. Do you really care if all you keep complaining about is me creating a mess? You keep making it sound like I cause problems when all I do is nothing. Yet you blame your lack of sleep on me. And you blame your inability to function on my actions that don't do anything and contribute to nothing. I didn't ask to be alive just to be blamed. I didn't ask to be alive just to suffer. I thought life was supposed to have ups and downs and yet the people that created me and gave birth to me create nothing but the downs in life. But then again I can't really find a reason to live. I can't do anything without getting flamed. And I can't do nothing without getting hate. I can't find the motivation to do simple things much less complex and yet you find ways to blackmail me and hold shit over my head. Why do I exist. Why is life so dependent on money. Why do people not want me. Why do people dislike me for my laziness. Why do people think hormones don't exist. Am I just really that worthless. Am I that needy. Do you see my weaning away from you as hate? I guess it's a good thing I hate them. They cause nothing but shit. They're annoying. Family is annoying. Friends are temporary. And acquaintances are just a means to an end like money. Disposable, gainable, and existing. The only thing that gives me some bit of happiness is constantly taken away from me and any outlet I used to have disappears into dissatisfaction. Maybe that's why I like being cold to people sometimes. Because the less people you've impacted means less mourning when death finally comes. Not like that'll happen anyway. Unfortunately. The probability of death is higher than being love though so that's good. At least there's an internet and the stuff on it. If only some people were less smart. Less intuitive. Less thirsty for knowledge. I don't care about space. I don't care about calculus. I don't care about drama. I don't see why I'm living the life of a predetermined dead man when I could just be dead already without outside forces existing. Maybe if I had self confidence. Or even any such inspiration to actually care about myself. A shame that it's not the case right?

I wish I didn't need friends to be happy. But unfortunately. I do.