Frozen Peas and Broken Knees

A State of Self Decay

Here I am yet again;
Speeding down the highway on a cold and rainy Friday.

I pull Grandad's old truck into the driveway and I linger.
And linger,
And self destruct.

I jam the key back into the steering wheel and wait for the rhythmic hum of diesel.

Bbbrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnhh

And in 10 seconds flat I'm on the road again,
Gaining speed as I head farther and farther from my home.

I find myself pulling into a long deserted beach.
Gray sky and cold salty wind beat against the frame of my grandad's magnum opus.

"You will never understand the value of something if you don't put any effort into it." He would say between cranks of his wrench.
"And not all the pieces of this truck are worth a damn at first glance, but if you work on them, put them together, take care of them; you'll have a whole new truck in no time." He knew the only way I would listen was if he spoke in metaphors.
"These pieces are like people. Some of them aren't worth your time, others need a little care and attention." He took a step back to admire the vehicle he built out of spare parts. "Those ones will last you a lifetime."

I reach over into the glovebox and pull out an old pack of Marlboro's he stored in there.

I let the familiar heat burn my throat then let out the puff with a sigh.

I miss him so much.

A notification on my phone lets me know my mom wants to know where I am.

I turn off my phone and toss it into the backseat.

With every ding I turn up the radio a little louder until the notifications are drowned in the sound.

Face pressed against the cold window, I roll up my sleeves and pick at the horizontal scabs on my arms.

I finish my cancer stick and recline my seat as far back as it can go.

Here is my not-so-happy-place.

My forgotten spot by the ocean in an old white truck.

So many times I've come here.
So many hours spent subconsciously staring over the waves.

Hours slip by until I finally come out of my dissociative trance.

I frantically check the time as I pull my diesel powered steed away from the salty shore.

I pull into the driveway and with every step I take towards the door,
My heart sinks
A little more.

I toss the Marlboro scented jacket across the porch and muster all my remaining strength as I reach for the door.

With a smile on my lips and a lie between my teeth I call out "I'm back!"

The silence confirms my doubts of a warm welcome.

I slink through the house to my room without making a sound.
There I half heartedly plunk myself onto the bed, letting the sound of the fan fill my head.
I close my eyes and wait for sleep to find me, or until the sun rises on another day of self decay.