Brooklyn Nine-Nine

17 | Psychosexual Issues & Wattpad

"Captain," Jungkook greeted as he walked into the precinct with a handcuffed guy. "You got my report on the Montauk murder, right?"

"Yeah, I look it over," Namjoon said. "Great work."

"Good. Thanks, Dad," Jungkook mused and quirked a brow when he noticed everyone staring at him suspiciously. "Why is everyone looking at me?"

"You just called Captain Namjoon 'Dad,'" Jin said. "You said 'thanks, Dad.'"

"What?" Jungkook frowned. "No, I didn't!"

"Do you see me as a father figure, Officer Jeon?" Namjoon inquired.

"No! If anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me!" Jungkook exclaimed.

"Hey!" Hoseok spoke up. "Show your father some respect."

"Show your father some respect!" Jimin chimed in.

"I literally just said that," Hoseok said.

Jimin spared him a glance. "I think he'd rather hear it from someone who's not a degenerate."

"I existed," Hoseok said.

"Okay, I didn't call him that!" Jungkook spoke in, interrupting Sarge's and Jimin's bickering.

"No, no, no, Jungkook," Namjoon interjected. "I take it as a compliment."

"It's not a big deal." Taehyung shrugged. "I called Anna 'Mom' once and she was my girlfriend at the time."

"See? Jump on that!" Jungkook pointed out. "Taehyung as psychosexual issues!"

"It's twenty-nineteen," Taehyung replied. "I think we all have psychosexual issues."

"I mean all these horny fuckers on Wattpad and AO3 write smut when they've probably never even held hands with someone," Yoongi said. "You'd think they were nymphos."

"Either way, Taehyung's old news," Jin said. "You called the Captain 'Daddy'—"

"Hey, 'Daddy' is not on the table here," Jungkook warned.

"Dude, you did call him 'Dad,'" the convict said.

"You shut up, okay? You've done nothing but lie since you got here," Jungkook said.

"Alright, alright, I was lying about the holdup. But the 'Dad' thing? That happened," he explained.

"Aha!" Jungkook clapped his hands. "He admitted his alibi was a lie. It was a trap—all part of my crazy, devious plan."

"I believe you," Namjoon said.

Jungkook sighed in relief. "Thank you."

"Son," Namjoon said, causing Jungkook to groan in frustration. "Would you like to talk about it over a game of catch?"

"I'd like that," Jungkook mumbled. 

━━━━━━━━

"So what's Wattpad?" Jin asked, walking over to Yoongi's desk when the officer wasn't napping for once.

"A website full of horror, awkward romance, and badly-written porn," Yoongi replied. "I love it."

"So show me," Jin said.

"I'll show you," Yoongi said, pulling up the cursed website.

"It's orange," Jin observed with a sneer. "Disgusting."

"Look at the Recommendations," Yoongi hissed. "You think it's tailored based on what you read, but it's completely random. I'm reading Great Expectations and it's recommending me One Direction fanfiction."