Sugar. Why not?

Unamed Document

Sofia's POV

Go to college they said. You'll experience the best moments of your life and learn valuable lessons. If you're lucky you'll come out of the end with a degree.

Well whoever 'they' are forgot to mention the huge amount of stress it causes. Oh and the not so small debt you have to pay from the student loans you simply couldn't have done without.

So in actual fact college is just a big scam to get lots of innocent people into trouble. They give you a shitty piece of paper and an even shittier status. None of which can save you from being stuck in a studio apartment with no heating three months after graduation. As well as the fact that you're thousands of miles from home and can't seem to get one single job interview.

Okay, so I'm not talking about some other people who have shared these experiences with me. I'm talking about myself. I'm typing this right now on my five year old laptop that is just about the only electrical device working in this damn place. Why am I typing? Because if I have to sit and stare at these four walls any longer, I may stick my head in the microwave and pray that it somehow comes to life and kills me.

Jesus! Ignore that last part. Clearly I'm going delusional.

3.05am is the time displayed in the top right corner of my screen. I should be in bed, having nightmares about waking up in the morning and still being in this real life disaster.

My eyes are burning because I've been staring at this screen for over three hours. Previously to opening up a blank document and throwing up my inner dialogue, I was actually being productive.

Two more job applications sent off. Usually that would make me feel a small sense of achievement but with the drought of replies in my inbox, I just don't feel happy about it.

3.06 am. Damn two whole minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Yet surely that means I'm two whole minutes closer to the part of my life where those inspirational people go "it gets better". I can guarantee I'll never be saying those words myself.

I wonder what percentage of jobs in Chicago I've already applied for. Definitely near the thirty percent mark at this point. Surely! I mean I've looked for everything related to my degree before falling off track and desperately applying for anything that came up.

Would I rather be a coffee shop assistant than a qualified web designer? Sometimes I think the answer is yes. Considering I wanted to stab my eyes out every time I couldn't find the misplaced comma within my html document. Pouring coffee sounds relaxing. You see I love the code but a job doing it? I don't know if I could survive it.

Web design. Why did I think that would be fun? Maybe it was the word design that sucked me in? I imagined spending hours creating colourful mock ups of modern styled web sites and interface upon interface! Instead I spent so much time wanting to pull my hair out. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe I enjoy the stress or maybe I don't care how the website works. I care how it looks just like most other people. No that's a lie...I live for how the website works. I just don't want to admit that I'm so obsessed over minor details.

Zzzzzzzzzzz. Yup I'm boring myself. Not that I'm boring anyone else because no one is gonna read my slow but sure mental breakdown notes. If someone does read this...why? What are you doing? Go out and get some fresh air, you don't want to end up like me.

3.10 am Woooow now we're making some progress. I just covered four minutes this time. I'm insane, typing to myself like this. So I guess I should close my eyeskxjckelswlcofovkwlvkvl-

***

5.36 am. Fine I fell asleep on top of my keyboard. I can confirm from the moisture on the R,T and Y that clearly I was drooling. I know what I'd be thinking if I were reading this! Eww you just touched those buttons to type that! All covered in your saliva. What's wrong with you?!

Answer: many things.

Anyway, the reason I am now back typing at this time is because my very rude laptop pinged and woke me up from a terrible sleep. Side note: my back is aching from being hunched over and my eyes are still stinging. Had to add that detail in so that I can justify feeling sorry for myself a little bit longer.

Where did this ping come from? Not my Facebook app...not my twitter...OH SHIIIIIT! Could it be an email?!

5.42 am. Yes it was an email but no it wasn't an job interview invite like my little heart had hoped. Nope. Nothing even remotely interesting.

...just...an advert of sorts. The opening line said MAKE MONEY QUICKLY. Which is always a lie. It no doubt should be called GET KIDNAPPED QUICKLY.

Did I click on it anyway? Yes. I sense judgment. From myself mostly and definitely from my parents if they knew that I still in fact have that email open.

I'm not sure why. I mean after the MAKE MONEY QUICKLY tag line the website link below is www.sugar.com/whynot

Probably porn. Definitely porn! Although for some reason I feel like it's not quite that. There's no naked ladies on the email. Only a nice older guy in a suit. What are they advertising? Why do I care? Why am I still fucking typing into a goddamn word document!!

*Document Deleted*

I guess shutting my laptop and diving into my actual bed didn't do the job of stopping my thoughts. Of course it didn't. All I was doing was typing exactly what came into my head.

So what's in my head now?

That email link. That I still haven't clicked on.

Fuckkkkkk! Okay! Let do this Sofia! What do I have to lose? Well I guess I could lose my laptop if it becomes filled with dangerous viruses. Huh, I'll risk it.

I'm marching through my apartment with purpose at about ten to six in the morning. I'm not sure why I'm so excited, but on the off chance that the owner of the building installed pervert cameras, I slow down my walk. Don't want seem like I'm insane or anything.

Throwing open my laptop with the enthusiasm that I lost long ago to terrible programming classes, I click on my email icon.

Then the very same email that has me curious. Finally, my cursor hovers over the website link.

Click.

Oops!

I almost jump back in shock as a very bright and colourful layout is displayed. Wow, I'm gonna need sunglasses for this.

In huge neon pink writing the word 'SUGAR' covers the screen. The background contrasts with a lighter blue which isn't so bad. That's all that's on the page apart from a little button underneath that says 'enter your wildest dreams' hmmm that's a bold statement.

The web designer in me has to notice that not only should that button be bigger but there's nothing on here that tells me what I'm clicking on. Not really.

Maybe that's the point...

Click.

Oops again.

My eyes squint in preparation for another blindingly colourful page. Only this one is much more mellow. The same blue from the background of the welcome screen but the text and images are actually reasonably coloured and spaced.

I don't actually care about that. What I care about is stalling myself from reading the title of the page. In actual fact, I've already read it because the words are in my peripheral vision. I'm just trying to pretend I haven't.

No matter how many times I blink, it doesn't change. Damn.

'Which SUGAR Daddy is right for you? Haven't picked yet? Why not?'

What was I expecting? Something more exciting? Something life changing? I'm not sure. I just know that the niggling feeling wouldn't go away while I lay in bed.

This! Is what that feeling has got me. A sugar daddy website that could be fake but also could be very real. It's also technically illegal because they've made a marketing website to essentially sell these men.

So if I'm inherently horrified, why am I still looking at it? Why do I want to click on these links to see more? Why?

I guess the real the question I should be asking myself is...why not?