Amateur Love Games *Punk Niall* {EDITING}

17: Not Farewell But Goodbye

Here's the second update for today! The next chapter won't be up until tomorrow. 3 More chapters and an Epilogue left!! I hope you guys are liking the story! Please vote and comment what you think!!

Stay Beautiful Neoners!!

-Alice<3

P.S. Dedication to a commenter

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Today's the day that I'm released from the hospital. I've recovered enough from my C-section to be able to fly back home tomorrow. Jesse and James came a few minutes ago and we are all sitting in my hospital room and talking. Andy is no longer hooked up to any machines. They cleared him yesterday saying he is healthy enough to go home. Jesse and James wanted to give Niall and I a day of holding and feeding him before we leave though which is nice.

They let me change him into the onsie that Niall and I bought him along with is little hospital cap. I wrapped him in a blanket that Niall and I bought him and gave him his bink. Niall gives him a small blue and brown teddy bear too. He's asleep right now but he couldn't possibly look anymore precious. I know I'm staring at him with that motherly look but I can't help it until I feel a tear slide down my cheek.

Niall takes Andy from me and I go to the bathroom and lock myself in there. Zayn unfortunately had to go back to work for a half day. They're giving him his final paycheck before they transfer him back to the car shop in Manchester. I sit on the floor and let my tears fall down my cheeks. I can't believe I'm giving up my baby boy. After everything I've gone through and I'm just giving him away.

It's too late to go back now. Everything is already filed and taken care of. Andy is no longer mine no matter how much I want him to be. These are selfish thoughts but I don't care. He's mine and I can't say goodbye. There's a knock on the door before Niall's voice driftts through.

"Alex." He whispers in a hushed tone. "Alex, please come out, they're leaving, you have to say goodbye."

"I c-can't" I whisper still crying.

"Yes, you can." He says a little more firmly.

"No, I can-"

"Alex?" Another voice comes through the door. Zayn. I quickly stand up and open the door flinging my arms around him.

"He's mine Zayn, I can't do it. I can't say goodbye to my son." I cry into his shirt as he holds me firmly against him.

"Alex look at me. You are the strongest most hard headed person I know. You're my little sister. I know this is hard but you made the right decision. If you don't say goodbye you'll look back on this day and regret it everytime. I know you." He says as he wipes away the tears on my face.

"Give him a hug, give him a kiss, and one day he might find you again." He whispers and I nod as I swallow hard trying to control my emotions.

I step away from Zayn and walk past Niall. I walk to Jesse who is holding Andy and she gives me a sad smile as she hands him to me. I take him and rick him back and forth. I give him a small hug and kiss his forehead.

"This isn't a farewell but goodbye Andy. I love you." I say just above a whisper with tears in my eyes. I hand him back to Jesse who puts him in his little carrier and James picks up the diaper bag. We say our goodbyes and they leave the room.

The doctor already came with my discharge papers so Niall grabs my bag and holds on to my hand and the three of us leave to go back to our flat. When we get there Louis and El are already there packing the last few items up for us. When Eleanor sees me she just gives me a bone crushing hug and I begin to cry again.

Louis and Eleanor came to visit Andy and I in the hospital a few days after he was born. Eleanor fell in love with him immediately and from a girl's persepective I know she understands how hard this is. Niall is acting a lot stronger than I thought he would but I'm glad for that because his strength is what I'm feeding off of right now.

Eleanor and I separate and she wipes the leftover tears from under my eyes. "Everything is going to be okay, it'll all get better I promise."

I smile and thank her before looking around the apartment. There's a knock on the door and I remember the moving guys were coming tonight so that when we get home tomorrow all the boxes will be there. Zayn leads them in and they start taking the boxes down to the truck. Zayn gives them the address that they need to be taken to and within twenty minutes the flat is cleared out.

"Well you'll be happy to know that we are moving to Manchester with you guys." El smiles and I smile back.

"Really?" I ask, my voice still slightly hoarse from crying.

"Yeah, Louis and I talked about it and we've missed you guys so much so we're coming with you." She says and I smile even more as I get up to hug her. I whisper a 'thank you' in her ear and she gives me a knowing look and nods.

For most of the night we all sit around the television and watch movies. Louis and Eleanor left about an hour ago so they could finish packing their suitcases. They already had the movers come yesterday.

Throughout the day I kept absentmindedly rubbing my stomach where Andy used to be. The thought still upsets me that I actually gave him up. I never wanted to but I did it for the best. Although right now I'm regreting that decision.

I get up from the floor after seeing the time on my phone read 11:47pm. Niall and Zayn are already sleeping on the cold ground. We had the movers take everything but we kept pillows and blankets because those can be packed in suitcases. I grab two spair blankets and drape them over the boys before walking to my now empty room. I lay a pillow and blanket on the ground before laying down and covering myself with a second blanket.

I can't help the ever present feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach. It saddens me to know that I had to give up my first baby. Laying on the ground I feel the first of many tears slip from my eyes. I squeeze them shut and just to keep my breathing steady as the crying turns to sobbing. To muffle the sounds of my sobs I stuff my face into the pillow in hopes that Zayn or Niall don't wake up.

I know it's only been a day but I can already tell that they are getting tired of comforting me. I can see that Zayn only feels pity for me but being my brothers he's going to try and comfort me. Niall is just my boyfriend and as much as I feel myself falling for him I can see that he hurts as much as I do. I want to comfort him the way he does for me but I'm such a mess. I know he's going to explode soon though, he can only take so much of me.

Slowly my sobs turn into quiet cries. I feel myslef beginning to calm down more and more as I get even sleepier. within minutes I've ceased crying and my jagged breathes are the only noise to fill the silence.