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twenty nine | losing

I lie on the bed with Elijah lying beside me. We have been lying together under the covers for what feels like hours. It's already dark now.

It's really silent.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"Um..." He checks his watch. "It's quarter to I-was-right."

I roll my eyes. We haven't turned the lights on after the sun set, so the only light we have is coming from the moon and the stars.

Usually this moment would be beautiful, but it's the exact opposite when you're stuck in a room with a guy you have to kill.

I don't even have the pill with me, so I can't do it now.

"Yeah, okay, Elijah. You were right, this time," I admit.

"Every time. I will always be right when it comes to you. I know you better than the back of my hand," he argues.

You don't know me as well as you think.

"Fine, can I test you?" I ask. "If you get all five questions right, I'll admit defeat."

"Let's do it," he agrees.

"Okay, first question. What is my dream car?"

"Well, you have two. Aston Martin DBS Superleggera and the Rimac Concept 2."

He's right.

"If I could change anything about myself, what would it be?"

"I'd say the thing you want to change the most is... your ability to trust others. You're scared to rely on other people or fall in love because you can never trust them enough."

I guess that's because I know nobody can trust me, so it makes me feel like I shouldn't trust anyone else.

Damn it.

"How many siblings did I have, before...?" I close my eyes and take a deep breath, not wanting to remember that night.

I was young and didn't know Elijah yet, so I don't know if I told him or not.

"Shit, I remember this. Two sisters?" he asks.

"How do you know? I never told you what happened." I frown.

"You didn't tell me what happened, but you told me their names and that you miss them more than anything, right?"

It hurts to talk about, so I don't confirm his statement. I decide to just move on to the next question. "What is the one thing I want to do before I die?"

He chuckles. "You want to have sex in a hot air ballon in Turkey. You're insane."

I laugh. "Okay, final question. What's my favorite finger?" Trick question, I don't have one.

"Uh, your middle finger?" he guesses.

"Wrong! You're wrong. I remain undefeated!" I shout in excitement.

"What? What is it?"

"It was a trick question. I don't have a favourite," I state and stick my tongue out at him.

He leans over, closer to me, and whispers. "That's cheating."

I smirk. "No, it's just a loop hole," I state.

He sighs dramatically and lies back on his side of the bed. "It's only eight," he mumbles, finally answering the question I asked ages ago.

I left my phone in my car when I was rushing in to help Jamie, and Elijah apparently left his in the other room where the cockroach was, so we have absolutely nothing to do.

I get up and start banging on the door and start screaming Jamie's name. "Jamie, help! Please help! Elijah is dying!" I scream dramatically and bang on the door like a crazy person.

I turn to Elijah, who is watching me like I am a mental patient. "Aren't you going to help me, Elijah?"

"I'd rather bang you than the door," he states.

I sigh, deciding my efforts to call Jamie are futile. I highly doubt he will open it, he is not that gullible.

Falling back onto the bed, I decide to just enjoy the time I have with Elijah. "Why are you so weird?" I ask.

"Says you..." he says.

"No, but I mean sometimes you're so sweet but then other times you're talking about sex and being all cocky. Do you even know who you are?"

"Does anyone know who they are?" he asks.

I know who I am. I'm a killer.

I know that I don't want to hurt people, but I do. I want to love, but I can't. I actually liked the crazy, fun, innocent girl I used to be before I became a killer. I want to be her again.

Sometimes I act like I actually have a soul and then other times it's like I'm not even in my own body. Sometimes when I kill people it doesn't feel like me, it's like I'm standing there watching and wishing it could all just be over.

"I'm scared that I am losing myself, Elijah."

He turns onto his side and pulls me into his arms. "Then maybe you should do something that you liked doing before you started to lose yourself. Something that you don't do anymore."

"You wanna skip class and go to the park tomorrow, like we used to?" I ask and look up into his dark eyes.

"Are you asking me out, buddy?" he teases.

I scoff. "No, mi pollo, it wouldn't be a date. Just two friends at the park."

He chuckles. "Mhm, whatever you say. What about the research essay we have to give in?"

"We can hand it in then leave?" I offer.

"It's a date."

•<•>•

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