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forty five | soul

I groan and move from the position I am in, but the arm across my waist makes it a lot harder to turn.

I open my eyes to find Elijah sleeping peacefully. His long eyelashes brush against his pink cheeks. My eyes go down to find his shirtless body which is pressed against me.

I've kissed Elijah a couple of times but, for reasons I can't explain, I want to kiss him again. It is a sort of addictive feeling, especially because of how much emotion he puts into the kiss.

Last night after Elijah came to lie with me, we talked for a while and then I changed into pyjamas and went to sleep.

I asked him why he didn't change me out of my dress while I was asleep, considering how expensive it is. He told me he couldn't violate me like that and that it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

He's definitely too good for me.

Not that I was considering him being with me, I just know that I don't deserve someone who is anything like Elijah. It's not that I want him, I was just saying that if I did have him it wouldn't be right, you know? Like he's all sweet and I'm a murderer,

I only deserve to date a literal piece of dog shit. Wow, well not dog shit necessarily, but I definitely don't deserve Elijah. Even if he likes me, it is better to push him away so that he'll get over it and find someone better. It would be wrong to allow him to love me and would be even worse to love him back.

Geez, I didn't even know I could ramble that much in my head. Who am I explaining myself to anyway?

Elijah moans in his sleep and I curse under my breath. Damn it. I slowly climb out of my bed and walk out the room, wanting to stay far away from the gorgeous boy in my bed—

Gorgeous?

Wait, can I unthink that?

As I walk to my kitchen to grab a glass of water—yes, I'm thirsty—there is a knock on my front door. I frown and glance at the clock on my wall, which reads 7:43am.

I really hope it isn't Antonio. How would I explain that Elijah still isn't dead. There is no reasonable explanation. I guess it could be that I don't want this job, which is definitely true, but Antonio won't believe that.

He'll probably just assume I'm falling for Elijah, which is far from what is going on. If anything, I want to distance myself from Elijah not get closer.

I wish I had known that from the beginning. I wouldn't have become friends with the idiot. It definitely would have saved a lot of time.

I pull the door open and smile when I find Jamie. "Hey, baby J," I greet.

"Hi! I wasn't sure if you were still alive since you basically disappeared last night, so I'm just here to check in on you." He smiles.

"Aww, Jamie," I coo and pull him into a hug. "I love you so much."

"Wait, what?" He pulls away from the hug and frowns. "Are you feeling okay?" He places the back of his hand on my forehead and I swat him away.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I just need a hug... and pizza. I always need pizza.

I grab Jamie and pull him into another hug. He chuckles and wraps his arms tightly around me. "So where did you go last night?"

"Well, I, uh..."

How do I say 'I punched Elijah in the face, ran out the party, had a mental break down, walked towards some creepy guys in an alley who wanted to shoot me, witnessed a potential murder and then went to sleep' without sounding crazy?