Stall 2

Chapter 11.

"Gotta cut away, clear away
Snip away and sever this
Umbilical residue "

***

June 10th. :

Nightmares.

They're different for everyone.

When you really sit and think about it, it's like your own literal version of hell. You can't escape your mind and your mind is the one holding you hostage in a horror movie it's created.

There's no panic button in your nightmares, and in the vivid ones where you can't tell reality from a dream it's even more crippling.

Then it feels like it's not a dream any more, because you literally experience it.

It stops feeling like imagination and instead when you wake up, it's a memory of something you've gone through as if it's actually happened.

I had another one of those nightmares and I don't even think the pain I experience in those dreams is something I'd wish on another human, well, except David.

On the flipside, Harry hasn't had a nightmare in a while and I've noticed that they mostly happen now when he's particularly stressed, or something triggers it. I'm just trying to work out the pattern with them so maybe there's a practical way to prevent them as much as possible or even predict them.

Sometimes it kinda feels like waiting for a ticking time bomb, for when they happen again.

I hate this overwhelming guilt I have over these dreams I've been dealing with. I hate lying to Harry. I hate that my brain has conjured up something so horrific for me to live through in my sleep about someone I love so deeply.

It's starting to cause a strain though, because as supportive as Harry tries to be I can tell it's bothering him more that I won't talk about it. He's said countless times that I'm a shit liar, and I am. If my words don't give it away, the guilt on my face does when I tell him I don't remember what happens in them.

He hasn't tried to push it, but I can tell from the looks he gives me that he knows I'm not being honest and he doesn't understand why... Because I'm always honest with him.

I need to talk to Steve, I need some kind of help because I can't help Harry if I'm not well myself.

I want to deal with this, I'm just a bit lost as to how.

It's not like I can go to a psychologist and say "So my boyfriend drowned people in his basement and now I'm having nightmares that he drowns me in and I can't get the screams of him as a little boy out of my head when he was tortured, got any suggestions about how to fix that?"

There's physician and client privaledge but I'm pretty sure that doesn't include murder.

That's also the struggle with where to find help for Harry, who he could go to. Who he could confide in about what he's done. That's something else I want to talk to Steve about.

I know Harry said the police couldn't touch him, but I also feel like there's a limit to that as well.

All of that will have to wait for another day though, because today I have different demons to tackle at this very second.

My mother.

She contacted me a week ago, telling me she was going to be in Melbourne on a short holiday with friends and wanted to see me to talk in person, rectify everything. She said she missed her daughter.

Harry's first reaction when I told him was 'Tell her to go fuck herself' and became frustrated with me when I said I was considering going.

He said she didn't deserve a second of my time and I didn't disagree with him on that.