Stall 2

Chapter 34.

"And I feel this coming over like a storm again."

***

July 15th.

The last 8 days have consisted of one thing mainly, and that is an adjustment.

Ever since that situation with Mick, everything coming out about my nightmares and all that followed, it’s been adjusting to life after that.

It’s been strange in the sense that while the reality is exactly the same, things feel totally different. I suppose that's what happens when you start looking at life with your eyes open. Not ignoring things.

There’s been good days, as well as very low days. I let the low days happen now though, because normally I’d shove it aside because I didn’t want to worry Harry; always thinking he had enough stress and pain going on, that I didn’t want to add to it. However, I promise to try and work on that and I am. I let Harry have his bad days and he lets me have mine, and we just try and support each other.

I let him support me, I let him worry and he’s much better at handling it than I gave him credit for.

I would let myself really sit there and think about everything that’s happened and how I felt about it, and you know what? Some days it just made me feel like shit. I was angry. I was hurt and I was scared.

I’m angry at David, at Andy and at my mother. I’m hurt over everything they’ve done. I’m scared shitless over what’s going to happen. I’m scared over not knowing where David is, and now knowing Andy has probably scurried off to join him to save his own ass. I’m scared of the other things I may have see, being surrounded by the life I am now. I’m scared that I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared I’m not built for this.

Harry has been around these type of things for years, these life or death situations and violence. I’ve only been exposed to it for less than a year. The first time I ever saw real violence was the night Andy hit me. I never really dealt with what happened that night. But I’m being forced to deal with the after effects now.

It’s okay though, and I should have really listened to Steve, this is what he was trying to tell me. Things are fucked up, and it’s okay to feel like they are.

Speaking of Steve, also Jimmy and staying in theme with not ignoring things, and really taking in the reality-

This week there was a story on the news, about a man whose body had been found in the Yarra river. It was passed off as a suicide, but the part that caught my attention was what they said about the man after they said his name. “He had faced child abuse charges in early 2017 after an ongoing investigation but they were dropped this year.”

As soon as I heard that, I looked to Harry where he had been sat next to me on the couch and he knew from the look on my face what I was asking.

“That wasn’t me,” he clarified, but I already knew that.

“Steve and Jimmy?” I’d asked, even though I knew the answer.

The only response I got was a short nod, before he was switching the TV over to one of his usual reality shows.

It’s strange because in the back of my mind I knew Steve and Jimmy were still doing things like that, but I also ignored it. If I want things to get better though, I can’t ignore it and it’s not just Harry that I have to accept the dark sides of. It’s realising everyone in my life has those sides.

Even me.

I also had Steve organise an appointment for me to meet with his friend, and I’ll be seeing him tomorrow afternoon. I have this weird mixture of relief and anxiety over that. I hope he can help, I also hope Harry would be willing to see him. I think he would be. Normally that would be a conflict of interest, but considering this man is going to be overlooking murder, and isn’t liscenced any more - I don’t think we have to worry about that. Right now it’s the best option we have though.