𝘉𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 - 𝙎𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝘼𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙘𝙝𝙮

Fifty-Three

There are lessons to be found here, but mostly, I do this so you can know me. Lately, as I write these, I realize they are as much for me as they are for you. This is the one place I can be completely open. The pen and paper has no judgment. No vote. It simply receives my truth and allows me to turn the page. And today this is my truth. I am terrified a great deal of the time. Afraid of what I've done, of what I'm doing, and of what I might have to do. It's not a crippling fear. In fact, it's just the opposite. I thrive on it. I crave it. I need that rush of terror to get me out of bed in the morning. It's in my DNA. I have tremendous remorse for the acts of violence I've commited, both planned and spontaneous. But I think what brings me the most sorrow is that I've learned to justify this behavior. I always find a reason, a cause, a need that allows me the karmic lubrication to stuff my guilt into its savage compartment. I've become the thing the one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, when I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is so deep, so palpable, I fear I'll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection. Since my best friend was killed, I've lost my center. Ope was always my pull back to true north. Now my doubt and sense of fraudulence bark so loudly in my head that most of the time I can't hear anything else. Love, camaraderie, freedom all the things I want from this life are lost in the din. Forgive my indulgence, sons. But today may be a day we both remember. A defining day. And I want you to look back at this entry and know that at the very least your father was completely honest. So you know I speak the truth when I tell you that you are the most important thing to me. I will never hurt you. Never abandon you. I love you, Ellie. I love you, Abel. I love you, Thomas. More than anything or anyone. I always will. Everything I do is for my children.

Jax writes alone in the cemetery at Opie's grave.

~ SOA ~ ~ SOA ~

Patterson tells Roosevelt she wants to talk to Jax alone, "Our ties seem to be getting deeper."

"How's that?"

"Do you know where your wife is?"

"She took the kids. Little retreat."

"Where to?"

"Why do you care?"

"We had a meeting. She missed it. I'm just trying to find out if we're going to reschedule."

"When I see her, I'll let her know."

"Do you have a struggle with your need to be a good man?"

"I struggle with all my needs just like everyone else."

"My guess is you struggle with it every day. What you are crashing into who you are."

"Are we done?"

"I know how much you love Tara. And I see how deeply she loves you. Betrayal is a very intense feeling. One that can only be matched by the maternal instinct of a mother protecting her young."

"I don't need a lesson in family feelings. If you have something to say, then say it."

"Whatever decisions happen here today the outcome lands on you. Are you willing to let your family pay the price for your mistakes?"

"Is that what a good man would do?"

"Because if that happens, I promise you, son, it's gonna destroy you and everything else you love. And that's not the law in me talking. That's the flawed mother who made a lot of mistakes. You're a husband and a father and a man before all of this. Own your place."