Misfortune [manxman]

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"It's perfect." I said more to convince myself than anyone in particular.

I was home alone, Collin had left over an hour ago to boy groceries and I had spent the time making sure the baby's room was perfect. I had reorganized all the plushies I had made at least a million times if not more, made sure the pillows I had made were as fluffy as they looked and debated whether I should tear it all down and start from scratch to make an even better version. I just wanted it to be the best there was and I was scared my best and pouring all of my love into it just wasn't good enough. That thought scared me.

Thanatos thought my obsession with the baby was unhealthy and I should concentrate on things that made me happy and allowed me to take my mind off all the worries but I didn't want to. This might be the only chance I was ever going to get to be a parent and I couldn't allow myself to mess it up. I wanted to be the best parent there was, I wanted my child to have the best life I could give them and for that, his room needed to be damn perfect!

I sniffled and tried to calm my breathing down. All this stress and my emotions weren't good for the baby and I sat down on the ground, burying my face inside of my hands. I couldn't fail as a parent, not again. I was never going to forgive myself for not protecting another child and just thinking I could lose another one felt worse than any physical injury I had ever had to endure. 

I need Collin. 

I couldn't cope on my own with this. I needed Collin to tell me everything was going to be okay again, he was going to protect us and the baby was going to love the room. I could feel the tears threatening to spill and no matter how much I tried regulating my breathing, it just gave me the hiccups and my nose was becoming more and more stuffed while I tried to wipe away my tears.

For a second I thought I felt the baby move but I knew that was just my imagination. I wasn't far enough into the pregnancy for them to kick yet but it was strangely reassuring. I was never truly alone even if I felt like it. I rubbed my stomach and started humming to them, hoping they were going to love me at least have as much as I loved them. I'd give my life for them without having to think twice and I'd rather die than hurt them.

"I love you." I told them. "More than anything."

I decided I was going to let it be for now, take some time for myself and ask Collin what I was supposed to do after he had returned home. I was still mad that he didn't want to share any more personal information about himself and always tried to redirect my attention but I was beginning to accept that he just didn't want to do that and he had to accept that I wanted to pout instead of having him take my clothes off and feel his naked skin against mine. Which was a lie because I really, really wanted to.

A quiet moan escaped my lips and I blushed as I tried not to think about his body but failed miserably even though I had been crying a few seconds ago. It had only been a few days of me denying him but I had a hard time not instantly jumping him when he happened to be around me and ignoring him was starting to become more and more difficult. He always tried to convince me that I wanted this as well and that I should just give in but I wasn't going to let him win this time even though it was getting harder and harder. 

I tried to keep my mind busy by rubbing my belly and talking to the baby but Collin kept sneaking into the back of my mind until I grunted annoyed. I knew concentrating on doing chores like Collin had taught me wasn't going to cut it, so I sat down on our bed, stuffing a pillow behind my back which hurt like hell. I was getting a little worried that I could feel the baby growing inside of me but it was being long overdue with establishing a connection with me. I should be sharing the baby's feelings.