Wildflower (Kris Bryant)

26 Life Support

Kris

The whole Turning The Page foundation came together rather quickly. I purchased a old double decker bus that was once used here in Chicago for transportation and we were going to gut it before filling it with books. How we were going to keep the books on shelves when we're driving is beyond me, but I'll leave that up to the people we hired to do this remodel. The Cubs hold a ticket deal that if people bring in books then they could get discounts on tickets which was pretty cool. They just started doing that and they already got over 2,000 books. Now all we had to do was paint the bus, get the seats out and the bookshelves in and it was ready to go. Her mom was making a "must read" list complied of all of Serenity's favorite books and getting them organized by interests so someone could always find what they want. That part came together naturally and I was happy with how it was going. On that front things couldn't have been going better.

But on the hospital side of things, things were getting bleak. She was getting weaker and weaker and I don't know how much longer she can fight this thing. I know she didn't want to go, but I wasn't sure she could stay either. I'm not entirely sure that was up to her, not for much longer at least.

So I stay by her side and play her favorite music as she sleeps. I talk to her like she's here even though I know she's not. But sometimes it feels like she's listening to me.

"You know, I keep those papers you let me take home of your writings with me every day. I read them evert chance I get and I swear its like we can still go on these adventures together because I will always have part of you with me. Reading is a incredible experience and I know you know that. But I need you to know that you opened my eyes to tons of new worlds out there. Worlds that have so many beautiful things that I get to imagine. I get to think things up the way I want to see them and it's incredible, getting lost in a book.

And you... you're my favorite book to read. Each page a beautiful reminder that there's some things in life that we can't explain. Like why my heart chose you or why I fell so hard. And I might never know these things, who knows? Knowledge is extensive, at least that's what you always tell me. But I don't want to know a lot. Like I don't want to know of a life without you in it.

So if I have to read and act like it's you and me I'll do it. I'll pick a book where we get to run away to someplace nice and never have to worry about working hearts or baseball. Just which amazing place to go on our next date. I would put us somewhere where you would never hurt. Where I can make sure that the smile on your face is real and not there to cover up the pain.

I just want you back and I want you by my side. I'm going crazy without you giving me life lessons then teasing me about it. I don't know what to do without you smiling up at me reminding me why I want to go on in the first place.

It feels so dark without out you, my ray of sunshine, my wildflower. I don't know where the color has gone. I assume it's with you, wherever you are. I just hope to have you back soon so I can tell you I love you over and over again" I sniffle.

I rest my head on her bed as the tears fall. I bury my face in the covers and let out a scream have been holding in for far too long, and while it did make me feel better, it didn't change anything. Nothing I did would change a thing. I just had to keep praying that a miracle was being sent our way.

I hear the song change in the background and I pop my head up. They say that she can hear sometimes so we insisted on playing music hat she liked to keep her happy. Right now it was a Sam Smith song and I couldn't help but smile. That concert that night was one of the best nights of my life. Even though I didn't know his stuff then I do now and I loved his voice. And this song... well this song I could connect with.

"I've been sleeping with the lights on
Cause the darkness is surrounding you
This is my world, this is my choice
And you're the drug that gets me through

I've been waiting for an answer
Because I built this bed for two
I'm just waiting on your answer
I built this bed for me and you

Could you see that I am yours?
So will you be my life support?
You're my life support."

I softly grab her hand sans the iv and stuff and hold it tight. I softly run my thumb across the back of her hand and wished more than anything she was awake to squeeze me back. But the truth is I don't know if she can ever do that again and that's why it's so hard. It's not like in a Walk To Remember where she knew she was going to be gone. I still have that sliver of hope that she will still be here. And I hope more than anything that she will be. Because I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose her. I will surely go mad. She was my life support and without her I felt empty. I felt nothing.

"Sick of waking up in darkness
When the sky is always painted blue
There's a method to my madness
It's clear that you don't have a clue

I've been waiting for an answer
Because I built this bed for two
I'm just waiting on your answer
I built this bed for me and you

Could you see that I am yours?
So will you be my life support?
You're my life support

Can't you see that I am yours?
So will you be my life support?

I've been sleeping with the lights on
Cause the darkness is surrounding you."

Eventually it gets late and I let her rest. So I leave the stuff the boys brought her and go to the family room. I see Serenity's dad tucking Warren into bed and I help him out. We both leave and decide to go for a walk since we were both a bit too restless to sleep.

"Honestly, do you think she's going to make it" I ask him. His shoulders fall as he turns to me.

I see his glassy eyes set on my and I felt like crying too. But I don't know if I had many tears left to cry. "She has to. Because I don't know what I'm going to do if she doesn't" he claims.