Oblivion • Akutagawa x Reader

•6

There are some days you can't take it, some days you can't keep suffering for him.

But there are always those few minutes where you both accept each other, and you find comfort in the shared pain.

When everything is worth it.

Some days, his guilt takes over his actions and he'll let his hand rest on yours, and neither has to say anything to understand.

'I'm here for you'

'I'm here with you'

You wouldn't re-do any of it.

But still, something in you is screaming to be let out, something that can only creep up and take you by surprise if you keep denying it a place in your mind.

You need to leave the Port Mafia, or you'll go crazy with bloodthirst to drown your sorrows.

'I'm sorry.'

•••

You'll always regret the look left on Akutagawa's face when you let Kyouka and Atsushi take you to the agency.

You'll always hurt thinking of the look of rage and betrayal, the way you saw his trust break into pieces you took away with you.

Even then, you promised him it didn't change the way you saw him.

Whether he believed you or not...

Whether he cared if you lived or died...

•••

You look at Dazai with uncontrolled tears streaming down your face, a handful of flashbacks hitting you one after the other. While there were some things that you didn't remember, some things Dazai had painted the picture for you himself, everything you heard felt so real, and you hadn't expected to feel it so strongly.

It was like reliving your best and worst memories all at once, like feeling every high only to crash down further than you'd gone before. You could hear Akutagawa's voice in your memories, feel your pain, the confusion around the two of you.

You understood why your reunion didn't make sense.

You and him never did.

Whatever you had had with him had no rules, followed no laws. Complicated didn't even begin to describe it.

"He hates me" is all you manage to whisper as you try to stop the silent crying, the sobs getting stuck at your throat, leaving all the weight of the sadness pulling on your heartstrings.

It's my fault this happened.

"[f/n]?"

You feel Dazai's arms holding you loosely, but it's not Dazai's voice that calls out your name.

Atsushi walks over to you and you lift your head to meet his eyes, confusion at seeing your tears and Dazai. Slowly but surely, his eyes trail to the file that he immediately recognized as yours, and it all makes sense.

"Dazai! We agreed not to tell her everything!" Atsushi exclaims in a panic, glaring at Dazai in disbelief.

You quickly pull away from Dazai, taking Atsushi by the shoulder once he finished talking, shooting him a mean look.

"I had a right to know all this after you saw me get restless on what happened to me. You lied to me, Atsushi. You made it seem like I was coming back to a slightly dangerous life, but it's more than that. I left a mess, and I can't remember half of why it's so bad. Dazai did me a favour."

Atsushi doesn't back down, taking your hand off him and instead holding your hand with a pleading gaze.

"[f/n]...I just didn't want you to suffer all the guilt you carried every day, I wanted to give you a chance to see a brighter life. You made it seem like your life revolved around Akutagawa, and he never deserved any further attention from you!"

You try to argue, but then you hear another voice join in.

"He's right. You left the Port Mafia emptier than when I left. It was draining you, but loving Akutagawa was destroying you. That's why...I tried to stop you from going to confront Atsushi and Akutagawa that day..." Kyouka adds, her voice trailing out and darkening as she implies the event that led you to amnesia; to the complete oblivion.

For the first time since you woke up from your coma, Kyouka speaks to you with a strength and confidence you hadn't seen previously, and somewhere inside it warms your heart to see it. Unfortunately, your current resentment is enough to overthrow that warmth and replace it with cold anger.

You didn't know what to do.

Glancing between Atsushi, Dazai, and Kyouka in front of you, you push away, your gaze lingering on Atsushi before you turn, storming out of the agency office, making your way outside. Ignoring the distress in the beautiful purple-yellow eyes of the 18 year old, you discard the curiosity of Atsushi's extra care for you that Dazai had mentioned out of your mind. Reaching the door to the outside, you ignore the light rain and walk out the door, letting your emotions catch up to you as you hug yourself and walk down streets to the comfort of the port waters.

The rain encasing you calms you, a constant light pressure reaching all nerves over your body as the cold seeps through your coat. You were trying to focus on everything other than the memories, other than being confused with your life and who you really were. It wasn't that you felt like a different person now, but remembering who you were after thinking up a completely different scenario was appalling, to say the least.

Sitting on an empty bench at the port, you stare off into the distance and watch the waters move, only to close your eyes and lean your head back on the bench, letting the rain water drip down your face. You sigh, ignoring the cold and trying to calm yourself, searching for a sense of serenity to help you think more clearly.

"[l/n]..." a low, familiar, pained voice says your name, and you immediately sit upright, your eyes opening and staring at a black coat, white cravat tie, and as your eyes lighten upwards, the eyes of Akutagawa.

In the rain, his dark hair fell against his face, making him look sad, his eyes showing exhaustion even though they were clouded, as if unsure how to proceed. You could feel your heart beat faster, and suddenly you were at a loss for words.

"Akutagawa..." You manage to say, before noticing the blood.