Oblivion • Akutagawa x Reader

•34

Don't seek him,

Go save him,

Think about yourself,

Trust them,

Trust him,

Don't trust yourself,

Only listen to you.

So many opinions that I've forgotten my own.

You sit in Higuchi's car, leaning against the car door as you feel your body shake from the anxiety the indecisiveness of your thoughts had caused in you. Your situation and surroundings did not help, and the fact that Dazai had convinced you to just follow through with the Port Mafia's plead in the form of the blonde woman currently driving, did not help whatsoever. You don't know what you're being led to, and still your are forced to simply comply.

It's always like this.

It isn't that you don't want to give Akutagawa his memories back, no, it could never be that, but you're afraid of the pain that is sure to come with the process. As you had said, the person getting the memories back has to be willing to accept them back, and you had never truly tested the limits of this part of your ability. To force it all back in Akutagawa was going to be a process mentally deteriorating in itself, but to handle the shell of the man you love and feel his repulsion could destroy you mentally as well.

I've entered uncharted territory, and it's not even me pulling the strings. The Port Mafia insists Akutagawa has turned into a monster without his memories...but it's a monster made up of purely the mafia.

He's their own demon. I just happen to love him.

That is the one factor that they had to convince you what you were about to do was all for the best. It's infuriating.

"I know what you're thinking"

You don't turn your head to Dazai when he talks to you, unable to look him in the eye without wanting to yell at him.

"Why should you listen to them? They almost killed you when they locked you up, and now that you're out, they want you to potentially hurt the man you've loved for a long time again for their own benefit. After your last encounter, you don't even know how to get him back. You're afraid, but you've turned that fear into anger. Am I wrong?"

No. You're right. But if you understand so much why did you make me listen?

You don't care about anyone but yourself, Dazai.

"I should have taken my chances with Fitzgerald instead of letting Lucy go through with it. Maybe then this wouldn't be happening. I could have figured out a better plan, one where I'm not once again at the mercy of the Port Mafia. Maybe then I'd feel more human than puppet."

History just repeats itself.

After your comment, there is nothing but silence between the two of you until you reach the Port Mafia building. When you reach it, you feel a sense of dread loom over you like a shadow you can't escape. Dazai steps out of the car with you as Higuchi contacts someone through her phone, the brunette carefully standing by your side with no intention of allowing any surprises from the Port Mafia hurt you. Despite what you thought of him, he wasn't going to let you face the mafia alone again.

"We're clear to bring the both of you inside. Akutagawa should have just finished one of his missions." Higuchi confirms with a nod, walking forward and through the building doors with haste and confidence.

You take a few steps to follow her, falling behind Dazai as your breaths seems to shorten and you start trembling as you stand. Your body aches with each step as you remember the scars left all over after the harm done to you, your mind flashing pieces of moments long repressed to keep you sane. Your head begins to hurt and you place a hand against its side, trying to catch your breath.

I can't go back in there.

"[f/n]?"

What good will it do if I just make it worse?

"I can't go back in there Dazai. No one there is going to look out for us. It'll be a disaster, he doesn't even want to see me, there has to be a better time to do this-"

"Breath and let it go. Don't let your fear take over." Dazai commands, taking a hold of your hand and pulling you with him and into the Port Mafia headquarters building, not giving you a chance to re-think or struggle.

I don't want to get stuck there again.

As you enter, you feel panic begin to leak in, the dark walls seemingly closing in on you despite the large windows, the long halls narrowing the further in while you let Dazai guide you, a chill running down your spine as you sense eyes watching and the whispers of voices you didn't ever want to hear again.

Everything feels off.

With an abrupt pause, you hear light footsteps walking towards the three of you, a limping pattern in their advances. The smell of blood hits you and out of instinct you scrunch your nose and fresh adrenaline pumps through your veins. There's murmurs around you, and suddenly you feel as if you're standing alone in the hall, red carpet floor stretched out endlessly, the scene that had unraveled in front of you taking up all your vision, everything and everyone else disappearing from your view.

Gin holds her bleeding arm close to her chest, an angry expression cloaking alarm blatant in her eyes. Her clothing she always chose specifically for her job at the mafia were clearly stained red as well through the black cloth, and anyone could see she's in pain. Your heart bursts out of your chest as you continue to watch with the development of horror inside you. You don't need anyone to tell you what happened. You only knew one person in this building that could give injuries so precise to their own...It's obvious Akutagawa had snapped, and done something you know in his right mind he wouldn't even dream about doing.

He hurt his sister.

But where is he?

Pushing past Higuchi and Dazai towards you, Gin takes a hold of your shoulder tightly, her eyes watering; for the first time, you witness this assassin cry. You hear her soft, feminine voice whisper something to you, but you don't understand her words.

"I'm sorry" is all you can say in return, until you see Gin shake her head and let go of you, pushing her long dark hair that had fallen across her face away and lowering the mask over her mouth.

"I should have let you out sooner."

Before you can process what came out of her mouth, Higuchi pulls Gin away from you and takes a good look at her state, holding her up and pressing cloth against her wound to stop the profuse bleeding. The blonde's hands turn red from the effort, and you feel hands pull your face away from the scene. Dazai's warm, brown eyes stare into your [e/c] ones, and you feel his whole being encompass you.

"Go. Find him...before this turns into another crisis."

You push Dazai off you, and although you do listen to him and begin to leave yourself, in one last effort to show your disdain for the detective, you tell him:

"Just remember YOU are the reason Akutagawa is so hurt inside in the first place. Remember that if we both die here today. You deserve much worse."

•••

You didn't have to run long  before finding the room in which Akutagawa had ended up in, and when you do you forget how to breath altogether. The young man that was terrorizing and dying the plans of the mafia was laying on his bed...sleeping?

Slowly, you walk in, opening the door without a sound and standing still a few metres away from him. You weren't sure what you we're seeing exactly. Akutagawa hardly ever slept, and for him to do so in the middle of the day even if it was right after a mission he supposedly butchered...

Something was wrong.

You walk in closer since he doesn't seem to notice you, and you hear that his breathing, usually soft and controlled, is ragged and heavy. His brow skin is furrowed in permanent distress as he sleeps, and his usually completely pale face is tinted pink. His hands clench at nothing, his long lashes flutter as if bothered, and then it dawns on you.

Akutagawa is sick, and you know it's because of your ability.