Oblivion • Akutagawa x Reader

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"Do you remember?"

It's all you can say despite the look on his face. You heart squeezes in hope and guilt as you stare at him; you can tell something is off.

Something is always wrong.

Akutagawa's face is still a bit red from the effects of the fever, but you could see that it was slowly subsiding. He's frozen up looking at you up and down, and the silence between the two of you physically hurting.

"What did you do?" Akutagawa asks, a coldness in the way he speaks to you, his voice low. He turns away to cough weakly, and you can see he's trying everything in his power not to show the mental and physical strain he is in.

You don't answer, your eyes filling with tears, breathing heavy. You are hardly keeping yourself up anymore.

What is wrong?

"[l/n]! What did you do?!"

You breath out.

"Akutagawa-"

The raven-haired young man stands from his bed, hand on his head in complaint, his eyes wide and searching for an explanation.

"You used your ability on me. We were standing in Mori's room and then..." Akutagawa whispers to himself, trying to make sense of the mess you had left him with.

"It's been months...[l/n]...you chose them over me...Ive been useless, so much restriction in my head...you took everything away from me"

The way he talks breaks your heart, his usually unwavering voice shaking. He can't look at you, and you wonder if it was really that painful to remember. You shake your head, walking closer to him, holding a hand out with a need to hold him, to apologize a million times and more.

"You chose them like Dazai did."

No.

I've always chosen you!

"I only took away your memories of me for a good reason! But I came back to you, Akutagawa, I'll always-"

"You took away everything for-for Q?"

No!

I was doing the right thing!

Right?

"I came back." You state meekly, you hand hovering above his shoulder as you look up, wanting to force him to look at you.

"Where were you? Why is there so much screaming? What did you do?!" Akutagawa pushes you away, both hands on his head now, pulling at his hair as he drops his head down. In an instant, his hands slowly let go of his hair and he covers his mouth. At first, you think he's holding back a cough, but when Akutagawa brings his head back up, you see his eyes are brimmed with tears, one falling after the other.

Screaming?

As you stagger backwards using the wall as support, the dim light surrounding the two of you allows the smallest amounts of light to make his tears highlight his eyes of mercury that you knew so well, pupils dilated, you see he's suffering. Your mind races to find an answer to his reaction, until it dawned on you that when you has activated your ability, for a moment you had traveled to your own mind. You were weak, and your own consciousness leaked through.

He's seeing my months locked up.

Dropping to his knees, arms hugging himself as he leans forward trying hard not to break further.

"I hurt Gin...what did you do?" He mutters half to himself, half to you, as if he couldn't decide who he was really asking anymore. Akutagawa didn't know who to blame.

"Im so sorry. Im so sorry Akutagawa. I'm so, so sorry" you say to him the way you had wanted to from the day you took his memories. Your voice is drenched in remorse, grief clinging to it like its depended on it; more than anything, however, you allow your love for him be heard through the guilt, through the chokes up tears.

This is all my fault.

Letting yourself fall forward in front of him, you force your arms around him, burying your head into his shoulder covered by his dark mafia coat.

"Get off me, I don't need you!" Akutagawa exclaims, lifting his head up and taking your shoulders with his hands to get you off of him, only resulting in you falling backwards. As you try to regain your balance by pulling him with you, Akutagawa just ends up falling over you, his hands on each side of you saving himself from falling directly on you.

Both your eyes meet, and the two of you stay like that for a while, emotions flying, you start to cry silently, you tears mirroring his.

"You were all I thought about. I never wanted this. Believe me, god just believe me" You beg softly as both yours and Akutagawa's breathing slows.

The whole world seems to slow down and his room seems to get darker, the floor colder. You felt like you were sinking, neither of you with the capability to swim back to the surface, to the light. You can see the memories burning in his every breath as it all came back to him, cheeks still hot from the fever, his bottled emotions sailing in the open sea between the two of you.

"Do I still even know you? Do you still even..."

Do I still love you? Is that what you want to hear?

"You should have left all our memories locked up."

What?

Akutagawa moves away from you, attempting to get up with a groan, leaving you on the floor looking up at him, mouth dry and legs still shaking.

"Leave. You've made me a pawn." He demands, a certain strength coming back to his voice, covering a cough.

"No...no, Akutagawa, please I'm so sorry!" You insist, pushing yourself up, hand out incase your body finally decided to give out.

"I don't need anyone."

It's all too much for you.

"I know you saw clips of what it was like for me in those 10 months. I know you know you're the only thought that got me through anything. Everything I've done since I've gotten out has been to give you back what I took, what I had to take or someone that didn't deserve to die would have died. I didn't choose anyone over you, I'll never choose anyone over you! I know you're remembering, I know you can feel what we've felt, and I know you're terrified of asking the question you want to ask me the most. Ask it, damnit! You want to know if I still love you, is that it? If even though I left you, do I still mean everything I said 10 months ago? When I took everything away from the two of us, did I love you then just as much as I do now? The answer is yes, Akutagawa! Yes and it'll always be yes! Stop being so stupid and let me care despite my mistakes! I didn't suffer everything to have you hate me! I won't go through the darkness to never find the light. I won't stay in oblivion forever. And if it's all I'm going to get even after everything, then kill me. I deserve that much. As long as it's your face I see."

You had walked towards Akutagawa, taking ahold of his black overcoat with only one hand and allowing yourself to yell at him. You didn't fear his Rashomon. All you feared right now was that he'd decide he doesn't want to love you anymore.

"Please don't hate me." You pull his body closer and hang your head low, your voice begging with horrifying agony.

I'm tired,

I'm so tired...

Akutagawa doesn't pull you away this time, instead he just stands there, heart accelerated, he lifts your hands gently and cups your face with his gentle hands, his eyes wide with a shock so unrecognizable...

"[l/n]..."

Do you even still love me?