Oblivion • Akutagawa x Reader

•28

"You have to answer my questions, or else I can't help you"

You look away from Yosano as you lay sitting up on her clinic bed, IV in you, refusing to help her understand what had happened to you these last 10 months. You didn't like the questions she asked, and you didn't like the memories she was asking you to unlock.

I told myself I'd just cooperate, but in this sense I can't.

I won't.

"I've had my share of jarring realities. I don't want to explain what I've lived and re-live it again." You say softly but sternly, trying to keep yourself together and grounded so to not cause a scene.

With a frustrated sigh, Yosano looks over a few notes that she had written down on you in a file, tapping her pen pensively.

"I can't force you to say anything, and you're fine physically despite having a terrible lack of sleep and low on a few vitamins, which isn't surprising...but you're scarred too."

I know.

I already know I've turned into a damaged doll who people think they can control like a puppet with broken strings.

"Do you have any question for us? The agency, I mean. I'm going to have to get you to stay here overnight to make sure nothing happens to you, so you might as well make the most of it"

The silence after Yosano's words is long, your hesitation keeping you from wondering, from diving deep into the questions you didn't want the answers to. You told yourself that maybe you were still in a sort of shock, that you couldn't quite get the feel of what has been real and what hasn't, and that's why you couldn't think of anything immediate to ask. Your breakdown with Atsushi had been enough to render you null.

Before this, before you were incarcerated in the Port Mafia, you know you had been someone strong, though under the influence of the kind of drug that only love could provide. You know that your confidence had always been an issue, the questioning of your morals, and you know that since you woke up with amnesia, you struggled knowing anything outside of the love you felt for Akutagawa. You didn't understand the why of everything, and even now, after losing the sense of your own personality and human sanity, you didn't understand. You don't want to understand.

It only hurts.

"[f/n]..." Yosano starts, her voice much more sympathetic than before.

"I know it's hard when you blame yourself for events where you only acted on what you thought was best. I know the pain the Port Mafia makes people go through, and you...you've lost so much and gained little. You're stuck in your head, in your thoughts. You should consider forgiving your past self. It wasn't your fault"

"No. It was the agency's when they left me to die, and I was the one stupid enough to trust." You whisper before Yosano's words can reach you, making a mental block only strengthened by your own statement.

"We made the decision we thought was best too. And...would you be thinking this way if you hadn't taken away Akutagawa's memories?"

I was manipulated.

I didn't want to do that.

Blood boiling at her statement, you try to get up from the bed, pulling at the IV and causing a pain to erupt through your arm, holding you back. Wincing, you snap at her.

"If you want me to forgive everyone so bad, sign the contract you keep refusing from Fitzgerald! It's the only way I'll be free again, and the only way I can face...Akutagawa...again"

Shocked at your request, as if it was such a preposterous thought, Yosano doesn't say anything.

"Always making deals you can't handle, [f/n]" a voice hums from the shadows, the sound of a door clicking following. Immediately Yosano turns to the person, a warning in her eyes.