Sails and Styles (Completed)

Chapter 12

I'm looking up at the night sky. I can see the stars. But my body isn't still. It's jostling back and forth. I look beside me, and on both sides, there are men dressed in uniforms with helmets on. It takes me a second to realize they are carrying me. This time everything feels silent. So different than the other times. But the absence of sound makes me very aware of other things. Like my heart beating rapidly in my chest. My breathing jagged and irregular. And the pain emanating from my body. My left arm and left leg are throbbing, and I know they are both probably broken. I'm unable to look because my neck is in a brace. The ambulance doors open as we approach, and they place me on a stretcher. Once inside the ambulance I can hear a paramedic sit down next to me and start taking my vitals.

"Hi Maggie." It's him. I can't see him, but his voice has become one I could recognize anywhere.

"You had quite the fall. But don't worry, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"You already did. You let me fall and then you left."

"Not all goodbyes are forever, Maggie."

"You feel like the ocean though, always moving, never staying still. In and out like the tide."

"But you love the ocean."

"Do I? Or do I just love how the ocean makes me feel?"

"Is there a difference?"

I wake up disoriented. I'm wet and cold and I'm not in my own bed. There's a small amount of light still left outside.  I look under the blanket at my black swimsuit and realize that I never changed out of it yesterday. Everything is a blur since he left. My hair is damp and feels coarse from the saltwater. I slowly sit up and notice that I'm in Harry's bed. Well I guess not Harry's anymore. I can feel the hole in my heart that he had started to repair cleave open again. The pain is so real it almost makes me gasp out as I feel the gap growing with every second he isn't here. I climb out of bed and almost immediately I'm on the floor willing my body not to cry. To hold it together. Just like I've taught myself how these past three months. I made it through that, I can make it through this. I stand up, wobbly on my feet. I make my way to the bathroom, holding the walls as I walk. Unsteady, both physically and emotionally. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My eyes are swollen, and my cheeks are flushed red. I don't look like someone who's been crying, I look like someone who has been through something horrific. I predicted this crushing feeling and I did everything to prevent it and it still swallowed me whole. I go to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water, drinking it quickly. With nothing in my stomach, the water makes me feel sick. Or maybe that's just how I feel now. Empty. I think about having cereal and decide I don't have the energy for it. I don't even take off my swimsuit. I wrap myself in my blanket; I can't seem to get warm. I feel the chill to my core despite the warm temperature outside. I crawl back into bed and stare at the wall until sleep eventually takes over.

This time when I wake, it's morning. Or at least I think it is because there is daylight outside. I sit up and realize I'm shivering because I'm still in my swimsuit. I change into a t-shirt and shorts. I look around the cabin and it feels so empty. My whole plan was to spend the summer on the boat alone and now that I'm alone there is nothing I want less. How can one person bring so much life into your world? I'd become so used to him for this past week. That day when he asked me how I would manage to do this without him, I remember thinking what a silly question. Of course, I'll be able to do this alone. And now I can barely move. I just sit and stare at the emptiness of it all. The deafening silence that I thought I craved is now just torturous. Why didn't I tell him to stay? I should have begged him. I just let him walk away without telling him how I feel. But he was so sure of wanting to leave that I didn't want to burden him. I didn't want him to feel guilty and only stay out of some sense of obligation. He deserves so much more than what I can give him.