Blue Eyes in Mine (Hollowheart)

Panic Attacks and Bees

JAKE'S POV:

OH MY GOSH. I KISSED ENOCH FUCKING O'CONNOR!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

When I realized my mistake of kissing Enoch, I dashed out of the room as fast as my thin legs would take me. I mean, I don't regret kissing him. I enjoyed it more than I could say. But I knew he wasn't gay, and he could never feel the same about me. I'm sure this kiss must have destroyed the friendship that was growing between the two of us. I wanted to bury myself in a hole and never come out....

Enoch was so understanding when I sorta came out to him. I thought he'd be disgusted. And seeing him trying to hide that cute smile... damn, it would be hard not to kiss him when he was lying like that ;)

As these taxing thoughts blurred into one, my legs were on autopilot, taking me to my room. I clumsily opened and closed the door behind me. I threw my backpack that I was carrying onto the floor, more aggressively than I meant to.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I was jogging back and forth from my bed to my roommate's bed on the other side, back to my bed and so on while fiddling with my hands. Tears followed suit soon after, blurring my vision.

I don't know what it is about Enoch that makes my heart pound like crazy. Maybe it is his sexy and broody vibe. Or how he is such an enigma, I always wonder what he is thinking. Or maybe.... I don't know!!! He is just Enoch and I like that about him. Ever since that first class in genetics when he caught me playing Webkinz, I fell for him. I tried to play it cool, but obviously failed and ended up looking like I didn't even want to talk to him. Thank the bird I had Emma, who forced me to give him my number. And it kinda worked. But now I just ruined it!!!

Time stopped as I let my emotions devour me. I did not notice the day quickly swept into the night. Neither did I notice the door to the room open, letting an abundance of artificial light seep into the otherwise dark room. Someone turned on the lights of the dorm and closed the door behind. The loud bang of the door made me jump, waking me from my stupor.

"Jacob, what are you doing?" Hugh said, dropping his bag at the entrance and taking my hands in his to prevent myself from tugging at my hair. I was hyperventilating at this point. "I think you're having a panic attack," Hugh said gently. "We need you to calm down."

Hugh made my sit down on the floor. He instructed me to close my eyes and take some deep breaths. My hands were still in his. "Take a long, deep breathe." I did as he asked, especially since his voice was so soothing. "....and now just let it out. Imagine your breathe is the wind that blows over the ocean." I tried to imagine this, but it was kinda hard to imagine being the wind. "Or better yet, imagine you're the wind blowing a bee out of its destined path to the hive." I imagined a bee practically dancing in the wind, desperately attempting to reach the beehive. This image made me chuckle. After a couple minutes, I was in control of my breathing again.

"Thank you," I sighed. "For helping me out. You're really good at it."

"No problem, old chap," Hugh said, tipping the top of his cap to me. "Fiona has the same issue, you know... panic attacks. Usually only happens before big presentations or meeting new people. So I try to find ways to calm her down."

"That's good boyfriend material," I laughed, rubbing my arms awkwardly.

After a moment of silence, Hugh spoke up. "So, what happened to cause the attack?" I was trying to come up with an answer, but Hugh quickly went to back up his statement," I'm sorry, that must have come out as really blunt and rude. I mean, if you don't mind telling, what caused it? I might be able to help." Hugh said this with a friendly smile.

"Boy issues," I simply stated. "I kissed this boy I liked and now I think I destroyed our friendship."

I didn't know whether Hugh was homophobic or not, so I just assumed the worst, and that is he would be disgusted with me, as well. I thought I would have created the tension between us as roommates, and him making a comment along the lines of, "Ew, I'm not interested." or "Don't even try to sleep with me.", etc. But Hugh didn't make any of those comments. I wondered if what I said just went through one ear, and out the other. I wondered if Hugh understood that I'M GAYYYYY!!!!!

"Aw man, that sucks." That was exactly what Hugh said. Like it was normal. And I was very glad for that. "I hope you guys patch things up."

"Yeah, I hope so, too. I'm not quite sure though what is going to happen." I was about to lie down on my bed, still in my clothes, when...

"Jacob Portman, please come have some tea with Fiona and me. I'm not going to let you sulk in these feelings." Hugh suddenly yanked onto my arm, making me tumble. "Ha ha, come on old man--"

"We're like the same age!"

"Hush!! Tea!! You, me and Fiona... NOW!!"

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Other than Hugh and Fiona, who I met a few days ago and was so sweet, I hadn't been out of my dorm or seeing anyone really. I didn't even attend classes. I wrote to all my professors that I felt sick, and asked Emma to bring me the notes from the lectures we shared, and Abe the other notes from the other classes.

I'd sleep in all day. The way I think about it... if I sleep all day then I don't really have to face my feelings. And at night I'd catch up with my studies, staying up till 4:00 in the morning turning in online assignments.

It was just the second day though, when I received a surprisingly text from Enoch. At least that's what the mysterious text owner is calling themselves... and lets be honest, what other Enoch do I know? I opened the text. It was a very simple "Hey." I didn't feel up to texting though. I didn't want to face Enoch after what I've done. I'd much rather Enoch completely forget all about me. I'm sure Enoch would be better off if we've never met.

So I simply ignored the text. Enoch never wrote anything back after that. And I know it's better that way.