Dark Matter [Completed]

Eighteen

My brother's warning follows me around. I know he's right... because everything he said I've told myself a hundred times. That doesn't make it any easier, though. In a moment all the walls I've built so carefully around myself are threatening to come crashing down. If only I had a moment to step back and get away from it all, I could pull myself together. Instead, I'm trapped in the middle of it with no way out.

All I can do is avoid the problem as much as possible so I do just that. Ever since the party I've been doing everything in my power to stay out of Luke's way. I try to be inconspicuous about it, but he's too smart to not notice that something is wrong. My gut tells me it's only a matter of time before he corners me. As usual my instincts prove correct.

I've just finished slipping the next dose of Serum X into Orion's nightly beer one evening when Luke finds me. I'm dusting the library for Mrs. Davenport when he comes into the room and, closing the door behind him, says, "You've been avoiding me, Miss Stephanie."

The day of reckoning has come. Nowhere to run. Taking a moment to compose myself, I clutch my duster nervously and say, "I've... been busy..."

Luke folds his arms across his chest and leans against his father's heavy, wooden desk. "That hasn't stopped you from at least giving me nod hello before." When I don't answer, he steps closer. "I told you, Stephanie... I would never do anything to hurt you."

"I know," I say in a small voice. "I just..." I just what? I legitimately don't have a good excuse. I have been avoiding him. I've been avoiding him not because I'm scared of him, but because I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what Boris might do to him if he ever found out that Luke meant anything to me. I'm afraid that... if Luke ever found who I really am... why I'm really here... he would hate me forever.

But I don't say that. How could I? Instead, I say nothing; just stare anxiously at my hands. Finally, Luke steps forward and gently takes the duster out of my hands. Laying it on the shelf he takes my hands in his own. "Stephanie... what I said the other night... that I'm not good at making friends... I meant it. I guess I've spent so long pretending to be someone else... to impress my father and, when that didn't work, my peers, that I forgot how to be real with someone. You know what I mean?"

I know exactly what you mean, I think, but I can't form the words. Luke doesn't seem to notice my lack of reply. He just looks me in the eye and says, "But you, Stephanie... from the moment I met you I didn't feel like I had to pretend. You were just so genuine. Real... Innocent. So different from all the people I grew up with."

His words are like a dagger in my chest, twisting the guilt into me. He is wrong about me. I'm not real; there is no one more false than me. I want to scream, Stop! Please, stop! Don't do this! Don't make it even harder to let you go. Another stone crumbles, leaving my heart even more exposed. One more blow is all it will take.

But I can't run, not with Luke holding my trembling hands in his own warm, steady ones. "Would..." he takes a breath. "Would you consider being my friend? No fine print, no expectations... just friends?"

I can't! I can't! I can't! is what my mind is screaming, but I find myself nodding. Hoping Luke can't see the pain in my eyes, I force a smile and nod more firmly. "I would be honored to be your friend. I guess I misjudged you. I'm sorry."

I may have just sealed my fate, but the smile on Luke's face... the look in his eyes, almost drowns out my fears. Almost. They lurk in the back of my mind, a cold ball of dread in the pit of my stomach. It's too late now, though. I think it may have been too late for a while now.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Stephanie," Luke says, grinning happily. "And I'm the one who's honored. Thank you."

"You're quite welcome."

We stand in silence before Luke finally let's go of my hands. "I should probably let you finish. If you take too long they'll send someone looking and we wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea." He winks playfully at me.

I force out a little laugh. "No. No we wouldn't."

"Then I'll say goodnight... friend."

I smile. "Goodnight, friend."

Once Luke is gone, I sink to the floor and bury my face in my hands. "What have I done?" I whisper to the empty room. Despite everything, I don't regret saying what I did. Not really. I know the consequences if the truth ever gets out, but... but can't I find just a little happiness? One tiny spark of light in my black life? This flickering flame can never grow into a fire, but can't I at least have that to hold on to?

I know it's a mistake, but, as I get to my feet, I make a decision. It's too late to take my heart back so I'm going to find all the happiness I can. And, when I leave this place, I will have the memories of that happiness. Maybe it's stupid; maybe it's just a childish fantasy. I don't care. I'm sick and tired of Boris taking everything from me so I'm taking something back. Even if it's just one, tiny flicker of joy.