Dark Matter [Completed]

Twenty

The next several weeks pass by in what I can only describe as a wonderful haze. Up to this point it has been a mostly unfamiliar sensation: happiness. But, when I'm with Luke, I am happy. All is not sunny in the garden, though, so to speak. The strain of putting on this show twenty-four seven is starting to get to me.

I used to get some time that I could drop the disguise on my off days, but since I started spending those with Luke that's not an option. Alex isn't happy about it, but, honestly, we haven't been talking lately. I don't need him to tell what I already know. I guess everyone has a breaking point, and I've reached mine in more ways than one.

I started to notice the signs of exhaustion a few weeks ago, but they've started getting worse. Headaches, dizziness, brain fog, and just generally feeling crummy. Like you haven't been sleeping enough. My body can take a lot more abuse than most people's, but even I have limits. I should have been more careful.

I flicker for the first time early one Monday morning. The Orions just had a big dinner the night before and I'm putting away the freshly cleaned dishes. I woke up feeling worse than usual this morning and I sigh as I reach for another plate. All of a sudden the world goes black and tilts around me... and the plate falls through my hand. Straight through my hand. It falls to the ground and shatters with a crash.

"Stephanie?" Kiersten calls, rushing to my side. "Stephanie, are you alright?"

I shake my head weakly, unable to catch my breath. It's been years since I've flickered. Boris coined the phrase during our training to describe what it's like when we, my brother and I, lose control of our powers. It only happens when we really push ourselves too far. Most missions don't require nearly that much effort. I saw the signs, I should have told Alex it was too much, but I couldn't make myself let go. Not just yet. I may not have a choice now.

Kiersten gently helps me to my feet. "Here," she says. "Let's get you to bed. You look terrible."

I don't protest as she leads me back to my room. Once I'm there, though, I just ask to be left alone. Kiersten protests that I need a doctor, but I tell her I'll be fine if I can just lie down. Eventually, she leaves and I let the mask drop. I'm in trouble... big trouble. Big enough trouble to put the entire mission at risk.

The smart thing to do would be to call Alex and let him take my place, but I haven't been acting very smart lately. I can hold a little longer, I think, it's only a few more weeks. Orion is already showing signs of being affected by the Serum X. He can't hold out that much longer. But I know I'm lying to myself. There is a chance I could hold out until the job is done, but it's a very small one.

I can't let him go, though, I just can't. I love him. For so long I've been denying it, but I can't anymore. The pain I feel at the thought of losing him forever is too much. But if I fail this mission, if I get caught, if I blow my cover... I don't even want to think about what Boris would do to Luke. To all the innocent people here. That's not even considering what he would do to Alex and I.

All my life I've kept my heart carefully locked away and always thought with my head. Now my head and my heart are fighting. Logic versus love... I think we all know who usually wins.

I don't call Alex. I just stay in my room and don't stir for the next week. Mrs. Davenport and the other maids pop in occasionally to check on, but they're all busy. And they don't want to catch the flu, which is the excuse I concocted. This is a blessing in disguise because I only have to use my powers for a few minutes a day.

Eventually, though, I have to get back to it. I'm, supposedly, a healthy young woman, and the flu doesn't last forever. Still, I milk the excuse to go to bed as early as possible. I also use it as en excuse to avoid going out with Luke. I hate it, but I also know I'm hanging on by a thread, and all it will take is one wrong move for everything to come crashing down.

I don't flicker again, but it feels like every move I make is underwater. Even Luke, in his typical male obliviousness, starts to notice that I'm not myself. Every time he asks, though, I say I'm fine and change the subject. I know I told myself I could do this, but I wonder just how much longer I can last. But I just can't make myself do the smart thing. I know I should, but I just can't. I've already sealed my fate; I know now it's been sealed since that first smile. I can only hope I don't take Luke down with me.