Regrets

Chapter 2

Taemin woke up from another nightmare that had been plaguing him for days. It has already been a routine. He would wake up from a dream, then reality would sink in and he would cry silently in his room until there were no more tears left to shed.

He could still remember that moment when the police officer called to tell him the news. He couldn't believe it at first. He could even remember cursing the officer thinking they were playing a prank on him, that it was just a really bad joke. But no, it was the truth.

He saw her at the hospital lying in a pool of blood. He remembered himself pulling her lifeless body closer to him and begging her to open her eyes. "Please Jiyeon-ah, look at me. Please..." He couldn't remember how long he kept her close to him but he could remember the moment when they had to drag him away just so he would let her go.

"You good for nothing son of a b*tch! This is all your fault." Jiyeon's father's words fill his head. All the harsh words, the cursing and the punches which came afterwards, he took them all in because he knew he deserved them.

He covered his face with the palm of his hands. The nights are hell but the days are much worse. It's another day in his life without her and he wonders how many more days can he endure living that way.

He dragged himself out of bed. He checked his phone and noticed some messages from his hyungs. He knew they were worried about him but he didn't have the strength to pretend he was ok when he was far from it. He was supposed to be in Tokyo with his hyungs, doing what he do best, living his dream, but even those things were too much for him lately. Even breathing was a struggle. Now he knows what it feels like to live without a purpose.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault," his friends would all say but Taemin thinks otherwise.

Whatever they say it will always be his fault. He took her for granted and nothing will change that fact. He's tired of people telling him to move on and not to blame himself anymore. Maybe he just needed someone who would punch him in the face and curse him for being a jerk and more. Although it wouldn't make him feel any better, at least it would still be better than having people tell him he did nothing wrong. Because if he really didn't do anything wrong then why would Jiyeon leave him? Why wouldn't she open her eyes when he begged her to?

He dragged himself to the kitchen to get some water. He gulped it all down and let the water flow through his dry throat. The liquid didn't help his mood. He stared at the empty room and wondered about the best way to spend his day.

Going to the park where he first met her might be a good idea. He knew he was torturing himself but he wanted it. He needed it.

It was a nice day and the park was filled with happy people. He lay on the grass and closed his eyes. He could feel the grass tickles his back and the cold wind on his skin. He could hear the sound of laughter from the kids playing in a distance. Taemin wished happiness could be contagious so he could somehow remember how it feels like to laugh like those kids do. He was worried that he might have already forgotten how to laugh or even smile.

He let the tears fall freely down his face. He already learned how stubborn those tears are and they never stop from falling even if he wanted to. The sun is about to set in the horizon. The kids were still playing and the sound of laughter was still as loud as ever.

He was still lost in his own thoughts when he heard someone say, "Ajusshi..." He opened his eyes and saw a little boy about 6 years of age sitting beside him. "Ajusshi, are you alright?" the boy asked.

He sat up and wiped the last bit of teardrops from his eyes. "Yeah... I'm alright," he lied. A kid will never understand the pain a grownup has to endure.

"You don't look ok," the smart little boy insisted.

He gave the boy a sad smile and ruffled the hair at the top of his head. "It's just that... I miss someone," he finally admitted. It's no use lying to a little kid.

"Your girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to see her?" the boy asked with curiosity.

He nodded."Real bad." Taemin would trade anything and everything just to see her again.

The little boy gave him a wide grin as if he just thought of something fun and he wanted Taemin to share his happiness. "Ajusshi... Close your eyes," the boy said.

"Wae?" Taemin asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Just do it."

"Alright," he said and did as he was told. He didn't have anything else to do anyway.

He kept his eyes closed for a minute or so before he asked, "Can I open them now?" There was no response and Taemin decided to wait a little bit more. He couldn't tell how long he kept his eyes tightly shut but he knew it had been a while.

Then he heard someone say, "Move out of the way!" The voice made him open his eyes and when he did, he realized he must have been dreaming.

A girl he's so familiar with is riding a bicycle and is about to crash right where he sits. A tear escaped his eyes and he uttered her name in a voice which almost sounded like a whisper.

"Jiyeon..."

If it was a dream he doesn't want to wake up anymore.