Survival Of The Fittest/By Taran

Chapter 17

8 months later...

Thinking sucks, sometimes. You try not to get in your head, but all that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether you want to get in your head or not, it just happens. Sometimes, there's no control even if they tell you to take control. That shit is hard. I've been trying for years to conquer it. What's worse is when the panic/anxiety attacks are gone, you feel this weird sadness come over you. Almost, like you hate yourself for thinking or being this way and wish you were someone else or just didn't have to go through this and let it affect your daily life. I mean, there are ways, but that's one's own journey and I'm still trying to figure out mine.

Breathing exercises help at times, but usually it's just something you have to go through until it's gone. The shaking, sweating, tightness in the chest, jittery feeling. It sucks. Thinking sucks, sometimes.

I sat in the corner of the room in Finn's house, seeing the front door from across me. The room spun a bit as I tried to catch or control my breathing, but it was hard. My anxiety had seemed to be getting worse again. I pull my knees up to my chest, curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth.

"We made some good food for supper, tonight." Finn walks in the house, throwing his wet jacket onto his bed, taking a towel to dry his hair. I say nothing, I barely realized he was back. As he puts the towel back down to fix his hair in the mirror, he spots me in the back through it.

"Millie? You okay?" He rushes to sit in front of me, grabbing onto my shaking hands. I nod.

"It's going to pass. Just give it time," my voice shakes, tears coming down my eyes, always a mess. I hate that I'm usually a mess when he sees me.

"Come here," He comes up behind me, sitting me in his lap, as we both rock back and forth, slowly.

"I'm sorry," I murmur.

"It happens, Mill" Finn kisses the back of my head. His clothes were wet and slightly dripping on me.

"So, what's for supper?" He squeezes my hands gently, when I ask. I could feel his heartbeat close to me. Normal. I could feel myself trying to synchronize mine with his.

"I made the best fucking lasagna. Wait till you have some... if they don't murder all of it by the time its our turn. I mean, it's THAT good. I would go for a 5th plate-kinda-good," We giggle. I look up to kiss him. His smile was homely. I couldn't help but smile back at him through the shaking.

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I wake up in my bed with Finn by me, facing the other way. I haven't noticed his snoring before. He was still in his wet clothes, thankfully a bit dry now.

I turn to hug him from behind, "You feel good" he says, taking hold of my arm, that's wrapped around him.

A knock on the door, startles us. I get up to open the door.

"Jones?" As soon as Finn hears Raphael, he comes to stand right by me at the door.

"What do you want?"

"I don't want a thing from you, except maybe when I'm dying," He grins. Raphael had on his rain jacket, same as Finns. He was soaking wet but nothing ever seemed to bother him.

"I said, what do you want?"

"Xavier needs you. Come along." I nod, closing the door on him to grab a jacket. Finn hands me a talkie.

"Ring this if anything happens that you don't feel okay about. Anything," I could see the fear in his eyes because honestly we didn't know Xavier's plan for us now. We had committed a crime and there was no way we would be let go that easy.