Dear Diary, I love him.

Tuesday, January 1st.

Dear Diary,

she said it again today.

"We're not the same, cause you're fatter"

In front of all her friends. Her bitchy friends.

They all snickered while I lowered my head in embarrassment. It really was a curse to have a best friend, who is popular and hang out with groups that don't accept people like me. Ugly people.

But I really don't know how I stack with a person like Megan James. First day of high school we ended up sitting together. At that time we had so much things in common, we ended up hanging out all day. It really was a blessing meeting her concidering all my friends are a year younger than me. 

But as the year passed, she changed, her friends changed.

I changed.

If I could have her honest opinion about me on that first day we met, I knew she wouldn't say something like that to me. 

But we're not freshmen anymore. We're seniors. And even though she knows how insecure I am about my body, she still said it. And the sad thing is it wasn't the first time.

I could see in her face she wanted to take it back. She wasn't a bad person. Sometime she just wasn't thinking. And sometimes her words hurt more than they should.

She didn't take it back, though. She was too proud to take it back. I don't think I've ever heard her say sorry. And I had learnt to cope with that. She just laughed nervously saying that some guys like fat girls which made it so NOT better.

The whole conversation started about guys. She was surely a guy magnet and it wasn't a surprise that she had once again scored a date for the New Year's party (that I wasn't of course attending). This time it was a college student and all I did was trying to warn her about it.

"I don't think it's a good idea going to that party with Nate" I said. "You don't know what he has in mind" 

She rolled her eyes. "Can you chill? I'm not going to be alone. And Nate is a good guy. It's not the first time I'm going out with him"

I knew that. She tells me everything about her boy drama. My mind is filled with her life problems more than mine. I don't have anything anyway. All I have is school.

I remember watching her date guy after guy all those years and I was always there when she was excited about someone or when she wanted to cry about them.

One time I tried to talk to her about my crush, but she didn't pay attention. After that I just didn't tell her anything. I don't need her to solve out my boy problems. I have friends, maybe younger, who are there to talk to when I need to.

And as much as people think I'm the one needing her attention so she can 'make me popular' or whataver people say, I feel like she needs me more than I do. I am her escape for her perfect life. She lets me see her other side, her imperfect side, and I'll always be grateful for that.

"Nate is in college, Megan" I said more strictly this time. "If I were you, I'd rather stay with my friends than some boy you met like five days ago" I said.

"Well, you see, you are not me because you don't even have a date to the party. You've never had a day. To anything. And I know why. Don't compare me to you. You are fatter" she said like this was a good statement or something.

I always tried to get her out of bad situations. Some times maybe situations that weren't even bad. I knew she was careless and I tried to protect her in every possible way.

But when she said thing like that all I wanted was to scream "Fuck you, I'm done trying to be there for you when you treat me like shit" and just walk out of there.

But of course I never say any of those things. I don't dare to.

She's just not thinking clearly, that's what I say to myself every time and move on.

So I just sighed and she left with all her so much cooler and tHiNnEr friends. Ugh.

I didn't want to go to that party. I just want to be respected.

I spent New Year's with my family once again and it was sweet like every year.

Around 1am I decided to start sending wishes to everyone.

My thumb lingered a little longer in Cole's contact. I haven't talked to him in SO long. 

Cole. My crush. My beautiful crush of five years. He told me he like me two years ago and I panicked and ran away.

We're talking about a flirt queen.

Not.

We haven't talked about it ever since and I haven't seen him at all this year. He quit art class and I really have no idea what he's doing with his life.

My thoughts were cut off by a ring on my phone. I briefly looked at the ID called before answering it.

Megan.

I rolled my eyes "Hello?"

"You were right, Jo! He is such an asshole. He freaking dumbed me in front of everyone" she was crying.

Of course he did.