Unspeakable Pain

Chapter 19

Betty POV

It was finally Saturday! We were finally going to the swimming hole! I'm so excited I can't even describe it. I haven't had fun since....well since before I was raped. But since Dr. Sullivan told me to stay connected and not isolate myself, I'm trying to participate more in things. I'm also going to tell them about the massage therapy. It sounds really dumb but, I get so scared when people touch me. So, I think it could really help. We were all meeting at my house and Jug brought his dads motorcycle over yesterday so it is already here. I went outside to enjoy the sunlight when Jughead arrived.

"Hey,baby." He said as he kissed my forehead.
"Hi" I said smiling. "Okay, so I have to tell you something and it sounds really stupid but my therapist told me I should try it." I said kinda nervous about how he would react.
"I'm listening" he said as a way for me to continue.
"Okay. So you know those steps I told you about?" He nodded. "Well since I've accomplished the first ones she gave me I moved on to the next 2. And they are to reconnect your body and feelings and to stay connected. I'm working on the staying connected one with participating in more events and stuff, like today how I'm going to the swimming hole." I said. "But.... to reconnect my body and feelings she said I have to be more safe and confident in my body. Because touching and being touched is an important way we give and receive affection and comfort. So she recommended something" I sighed.
"What did she recommend?" He asked curiously.
"She said I should try massage therapy. Like have you or my mom or one of our friends give me a massage. That way, I get used to people touching me again." I looked at him nervously.
"Baby, why do you seem so nervous telling me that? Of course I'll give you a massage." He said and I giggled. "Want one now?"

As he said that everyone else arrived.
"Guess not" I said laughing.
Toni got on her motorcycle with Cheryl, Kevin got on with Fangs, Archie got on with Jug and V looked at me before getting on.
"B, are you sure you're okay with me touching you? You usually aren't but I'm going to have to hold onto you the whole way there."
Veronica asked and I sighed.

I hadn't thought about that. The only person I have allowed to hug me or cuddle me occasionally is Jughead. I looked at everyone looking at me.
"I-um. I-I'll be right b-back." I said as I ran inside. What was I supposed to do? I cant not drive, then we all can't go.
"Betty?" Jug asked. He saw me sitting on the couch with tears in my eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked concerned.
"How am I supposed to drive Veronica if people touching me scares me." I said a tear now slipping out.
"Baby, I know it's hard-" He started but I didn't let him finish.
"Do you?! Because I don't think you do!" I said yelling. "You're not the one who can't even hug people anymore without getting an anxiety attack! You don't have to go to therapy because someone broke you! You also don't have to see all your friends look at you sadly and with pity in their eyes every. Single. Day. EVERDAY! You guys promised you wouldn't look at me differently. You promised! But you all lied!" I said tears streaming down my face. "I was raped! And I was alone for a month because I was scared to tell you all and now. Now you all look at me like I'm broken!"
"Baby, we don't think you're broken." Jug said sadly.
"Yes you do!! And you don't even try to hide it! I'm not stupid! I know I'm broken but I don't need to see the people I love most in this world look at me like I am! I was alone! For a MONTH! Because your friend threatened me! YOUR FRIEND!I screamed with tears coming down my eyes.
"I know that okay! I know it's my fault! Why do you think I look at you sadly?! It's because I know that if we hadn't dated you would be going through this!" He yells.
"Well maybe we shouldn't have dated in the first place!" I yelled looking at him. He looks hurt. I run upstairs and slam my door shut. Did I just break up with him? Why did I do that?! I ruined the last good thing I had in my life.

Jughead POV

I cant believe what just happened. How did it get to that? We never let our fights get to that level. I walk outside emotionless.
"Hey Jug, everything okay?" Toni asks sympathetically.
"Let me guess, you heard everything?" They all nodded sadly. "Well, to answer your question I'm not okay. I think the love of my life just broke up with me and realized its my fault the most traumatic thing in her life happened. So no, I'm not okay." They all looked at me sadly.
"Look. You guys can go to the swimming hole. I'm just.....gonna go home." I got on my bike and rode home as fast as I could. As soon as I got in my house I ran to my room and sobbed. She now realized I was to blame for her rape and there's no way I'll ever get her back now.

I just lost the one good thing in my life.

Betty POV

I cried for hours. I didn't think it would ever stop. How could I do this? It's not his fault....it never was. It's only Sweet Peas fault and I know that. So, why did I blame him? And why did I break up with him? I decided to write in my journal.

I'm so stupid. The one person who has been there for me time and time again is the person I just pushed away. I cant believe I did this. I cant believe I broke up with him. There's no way he'll ever take me back so I'm officially alone. I don't want to break up the friend group so I'll just leave. I should just end it all. Just end all the pain and suffering at once. I cant handle it anymore. I ruin everything good. I push away the people I love. Everyone keeps saying I'm strong but I don't see it. All I see is a broken girl who doesn't deserve happiness.

I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. My eyes are puffy and red. I open my cabinet door and look at the bottle of pills. I could take them all and end it now. I stand there contemplating it for 5 minutes. Then, I slam the cabinet door shut and go to my bed and sob some more.

The next day I woke up and looked at my phone. 5 messages from Archie, 10 from Fangs, 13 from Kevin, 24 from Veronica, 30 from Cheryl, and 36 from Toni. None from the person I was hoping. Why would he even call? I broke up with him. He probably hates me now.
And with that, I start crying again.

2 hours later

My mom came into my room.
"Oh honey, what happened?" She asked concerned.
"J-j-jug and i b-broke u-up" I sobbed even harder. She looks shocked.
"We got into an argument and I said some st-stupid things and now he h-hates m-me" I cried knowing it was all my fault.
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you." She says.
"H-he does m-mom. I-I know h-him. I-I told him I would never hurt him. And I did! He'll never forgive me." I cried. After being consoled for 30 minutes I stopped crying.
"Have you eaten anything today?" She asks me.
"No" I say and look down.
"When's the last time you ate?" She asked concerned now.
"Yesterday morning." She sighs.
"You need to eat honey. You're gonna get sick." She says.
"I'm not hungry." I say madly. Then, she leaves the room.

A/N: please don't hate me!! This isn't what I had originally planned but when I was writing I changed the chapter. Make sure to comment and vote! :)