Way too far (TomTord)

20. Love letters

Hello! How are y'all doing today? Hope you're doing okay. I'm feeling quite inspired today and am quite proud of this chapter. Enjoy! ♥

Tord's POV:

A few days passed. And my feelings for Tom were growing stronger. It was getting to the point I could not get him off my mind for even a while and I wanted to spend all my time with him. I craved his hugs and cuddles, but he was never here. He was too far away.

I felt like I had no one to talk to about this. Sure, I could ask my parents for help, but I didn't know how they could help me in any way. I decided to write my feelings out instead. I wrote "love letters" to Tom, though I never sent any of them to him, of course.

I wrote what I felt and that kept me from going insane. When I was with Tom, whether we were calling or just texting, my racing heart was all I could hear. My face burned whenever he was there. And as the days passed, the feelings got stronger.

I started daydreaming about being in his arms. I wanted him to be here. With me. Holding me and calling me his and only his. Whenever we facetime, he always notices my red face and comments on it. But he's always a blushing mess too.

Another week passed by like clouds on the sky. Tom wouldn't stop talking about his crush, but whenever I ask him for his name and/or how he looks like, he panics and changes the subject. It breaks my heart hearing it, but seeing his smile is worth the pain.

His face lights up while I just try not to cry out and yell at him for not loving me. At night, I can't sleep. My brain is too busy replaying every word he said while describing his amazing crush. When I'm with him, I smile and laugh. But when I'm alone, that's when I open the bottle of feelings that I hold back and I cry till I pass out of exhaustion.

This, of course, caused problems. I get horrible headaches daily, my head constantly feels like it's being stabbed through and I'm just walking around with a knife stuck in my skull. My eyes, red from all the tears, burn as if someone lit them on fire that was hotter than all of my passions.

I get more and more tired, the bags under my eyes constantly getting more noticeable. I'm scared. I am so terrified of what's to come. A heartbreak. I don't think I'll handle it well at all. What if I'm just obsessing about Tom?

"Hellooo? Earth to Tord?" I heard Tom's voice, stopping the rushing train of thoughts going through my aching head. "Huh!? What is it?" I asked, finally fully snapping out of it. "Jeez, you were daydreaming again for like five minutes and weren't responding." 'Oh lord. Again?'

"Where did your little head take you this time? You're right here on the call, but I bet you were like two galaxies away in your head." I chuckled nervously. That was a bit more accurate than I'd like to admit.

"Yeah, pretty much." I responded. "What were you saying again, Tommy?" I saw his cheeks tint red, but didn't think much of it. "I...I said that I'm worried about you. You look like you haven't slept in weeks."

I felt my heart drop. I was just constantly worrying him. "That's actually not far from the truth." I mumbled. "What!? Tord, I thought you promised to take better care of yourself!" I saw the pain in his seemingly empty black eyes.

I hung my head. "I'm sorry.." All I heard was a soft sigh on the other side. "I'm really worried... You're hiding something from me. Something big." I looked at the pile of love letters that sat beside me bed. 'Should I tell him.?'

'...No.' "I don't think I'm ready to tell you yet, Tom." He didn't say anything, just stared at me, making me feel slightly uncomfortable. "Tord." I flinched. That serious tone in his voice freaked me out. "I respect privacy, but whatever this is, it's hurting you. It's destroying you. And I can't stand by and just watch it get to you anymore." He paused. "Please tell me, Tordle. I promise I won't get mad."

I hesitated. 'No. Not yet. Not today. Not today. Not today..' I felt tears in my eyes as I looked him in the face. "I'm sorry, Tom... I really am. I don't wanna worry you, but I'm seriously not ready to tell you. I'm not prepared."

"What do you mean by that? What do you mean 'not prepared'? What's there to prepare?" I knew I wasn't getting out of this easily. "Tom, plea-" "No! I can't take it anymore! You're hurt and I wanna help you, but I can't if you won't let me.!" His voice was shaky. Was he about to cry?

"You can't help me, Tom." "Because you won't let me!" "No. Because if I told you, I'd make it even worse." Tears rolled down my face. I didn't dare to make eye contact anymore. I felt like I was just making this worse the more I went on.

"...Tordle, please don't cry..." He whispered in a much softer voice. The type of voice people use to try and calm you down. The voice that they use to let you know they're here for you. But it wasn't calming to me now. I sobbed violently. Crying again?

"Tordie, no.!" I hid my face in embarrassment. 'I did only make it worse.' My head ached. My eyes burned. My lips felt dry. "I'm sorry for bringing it up, I'm just worried and-" I cut him off. "No. D-don't be sorry.. I should stop crying, b-but I can't.."

I got the courage to look at him again. His head was resting in his hands as he looked at me with a worried expression. My cheeks burned. He cared so much about me and I was here cowering in fear of my own emotions.

I took long and deep breaths to calm myself down. Happy things. I had to think about happy things. Happy, happy, happy. I looked him directly in the eyes. "I-I'm better now.." I mumbled out, my voice raspy, though still clear enough to understand.

"I'm really sorry for making you cry...again.." Tom apologized. I couldn't believe my ears. He was trying to take care of me and I just hide everything from him and cry...and then he's the one apologizing??

"No, no, don't be!" I smiled. "I should stop being such a crybaby all the time anyway." He shook his head. "You're not a crybaby, you obviously cry for a reason." 'That reason being my own stupidity.' I thought.

"Well you're right about me pretty much hiding something. I really wish I could tell you, but I'd probably kill myse-" "NO. You're not dying on me, Tordie. I'm not letting you go. I wanna fly over to you and just spend my fluffing life with you. I'd be devastated if you were gone. And same for Edd, Matt and your parents!"

I forced a soft smile. "It's nice of you to say that.. Thank you..." He sighed and returned the smile. "Anytime." Thoughts came to my head. 'You can trust him, right? Maybe you should tell him.' My smile now began fading. 'He won't hate you.'

I hesitantly opened my mouth. "Tom..?" 'Are you seriously about to do this?' "Yes?" '...Yes I am...' "If I told you... Would you hate me.?" He violently shook his head. "I could never possibly hate you."

"Well then..." 'Or am I?' I paused. My heart was racing so fast that I wondered how I was even still alive. "Then...uhh... Can I tell you something.?" 'Oh lord, oh sweet lord-' "Of course, I'm listening." I gripped onto my chest.

"I..." 'No, no, no..'

"Love..." 'No, no, no, no, no..!'

...

Call ended.