˗ˏˋMEDICINE ˎˊ˗ 【 Little Space 】taekook

🌘𝐹𝑙𝑎𝑠𝘩𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘 2

I keep thinking lately, about John and about all the times he said that he loves me.
It's easy to say, right? It's easy to fool someone. Or maybe it's easy to fool me.
I wasn't easy to fool before. Before I met him, I could tell a lie from miles away. I guess I can't tell if John is lying because every time he says that he loves me, I want to believe that. So, I keep believing it, I keep falling into his lies.
Now there he is, sitting near me while we watch a series I'm not interested in. I'm sure he's not enjoying it either, not my company, not the series. I'm waiting for him to say something like " I'll meet Frank at the bar, I'll come back later"
It's not that I'm jealous of Frank, Richie, Ana or anyone he hangs out with. I wouldn't say so. I'm just sad I can't make him happy like I did before. Ever since London, ever since I changed, he has changed too.
I wait, and the waiting seems to last an eternity. Finally, he uncomfortably moves by my side, as if he's trying to get my head off his chest. I move as well, then look up at him. I notice my heartbeat is starting to rise and I can't control it. I can't control how deeply I am in love with the man I'm living with. I don't want him to leave.

''Did you hear my phone ringing?'' he asks.

I know there hasn't been a single sound in the room other than the character's voices of the series we're watching. I know he knows that, but he doesn't care.

''I haven't'' I reply but he's already standing up.

He walks to the kitchen and some minutes later, I hear he's talking to someone on the phone. I bite my lower lip, looking at the computer screen without paying attention to it. I hear John's talking about going out to some new club in the city. I look at the clock, it's already nighttime. It wouldn't be the first time he unexpectedly goes clubbing, I never had an objection with it. But today was our night.
It's April 27th. Today, one year ago, I decided to live a different life, by John's side, all the way in London. I left my parents and all of my friends behind; it didn't matter to me as long as I had him by my side. I put my trust on him.

Now here we are, here I am, in a country that isn't not mine and that I can't get used to, with a boyfriend that doesn't seem to really care about me. He doesn't remember all those promises, all the plans we had. Those are long faded away in his memory.

''Jungkook?'' I hear him say ''No, I think he's tired''

I peak a glance at the kitchen. John's looking through the window. He has one hand on the phone, the other busy rolling his shirt around his longer finger. I know he does that when he's nervous. Maybe he's nervous because he's lying about me.
I'm not tired, he just doesn't want me to disturb him and his friends. I'm always the one staying home ''being tired'' because being near his friends always pisses him off. All the time I asked him why, he just replies ''they don't understand I'm dating a pretty man like you''. I realized long ago; he feels embarrassed of being gay around the people that know him for so long. I don't understand why, they were never rude to me, I feel like they liked me. Perhaps the one that doesn't like me is John.
Then he appears through the door and gives me a trivial smile. I smile back, I can't help it.

''Please don't leave'' I immediately say, trying not to sound too whiny, I know he hates it when I do that ''please, just not today''

''Come on, don't be a whiny baby'' he says and I hate the mocking tone of voice ''I want to have fun. Do you know what that means, baby?''

He keeps repeating baby and I know why he's doing it. It all has come down to mocking me lately. Mocking the way, I like to be taken care of, called baby and cuddled. But not when he's uses it to hurt me.

''Can I at least come with you? I'm feeling okay today''

''I couldn't let you, it's not safe for you. You know well you can't be drinking while you're on your medication'' he explains as he undresses and takes a look at the wardrobe, deciding what's he's going to wear.

''I won't drink! I just want to have fun with you, be with you. I want to do things together''

John turns his head and looks at me in a way I wouldn't ever want him to look at me. His eyes are shining in irritation.

''We do things together. But I won't babysit you all the time, yes? I just need to go out, without you. I need to have fun, I don't want you to ruin the night by having me worrying about if you're having a mental breakdown under the neon lights.''

My eyes fly away from his gaze, it hurts.

''I'm taking my medication, I feel better...'' I insist even though I know this conversation won't lead anywhere. He has made a decision.

''If you're so sure about that, then why are your eyes watering? You're a crybaby, Jungkook. Stay home, have dinner and go to sleep early, alright?''

I bite my lower lip so hard I can begin to taste sour blood coming out. I won't be able to control my tears any much longer. So I take the laptop in front of me and leave the room, letting John alone to choose his outfit.
Walking in a fast pace, not knowing where to go, the only thing that's keeping me from falling down is the fact I don't want John to see me cry, I don't want to be his crybaby.

Moved by instinct, I enter the guests room. It's still full of boxes the old residents didn't take with them. We haven't unpacked those yet.
I feel the redness on my cheeks by the burning feeling. Letting the laptop aside, I sit on the edge of the bed, my chest going up and down from the anger I feel. I start to cry in silence, not bothering to move a hand and dry the tears that keep forming. I let them fall down and wet my clothes.
After a while, my desire to break down and cry starts to fade away replaced by curiosity. I need a distraction and those boxes feel so oddly attractive.
I walk towards them, what could them be hiding?
I open the first box and my eyes shine when I look at the insides. It's full of baby items like pacifiers, bibs, clothes... I suppose there must have been a baby around before us.
But what really draws my attention in a way I can't explain is something that rests all the way down. A cute, medium size, soft bunny teddy. It seems to be looking at me with dark pleading eyes. Does he want me to hold him? The poor thing has been for so long in that sad box. It's a cute baby pink plushie, so I lengthen my arm and grab it, the soft texture making contact with my hand. Then I hold it against my chest, and I get an arousing, peaceful feeling I haven't felt in so long. I hold my breath, then let all the air leave my lungs as I close my eyes.
I don't remember what happened after that.