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Nathan was all too familiar with pain.
It was a curse that has been his companion ever since he could remember, a cruel second layer of skin. Death and the sorrows of life has been the birthing of such, and he had yet to know what it felt like to be free of a sort.
He thought he had finally found that freedom after Woodbury, but it seemed to be a dream, a dream he refused to deny. He hasn't always been this delusional, but being exhausted for a real long time can make you believe things. The brutal winter left him desperate, left him hopeless, and had caused him to lose a little faith in God.
He hasn't prayed in a long time.
But as soon as he stepped into Woodbury, he let the idea of a home swallow him whole. He started hoping, he started believing, he started to become old, pre-Nathan Barton again.
But as soon as Samantha Walsh died, he realized the town hadn't been his home after all - it had been her.
Ever since Merle Dixon has told him and the Governor her fate, he's never felt this sick and this mournful - not since his dad, not since Jason. It left him feeling hopeless, like there was no life after all and he was just in a limbo like state of depression. It felt like something had been taken from him, and that had been his best friend, the person he loved and wanted to protect more than anything.
She was gone, but he was still there, barely.
The fact that he was aware that it was his fault made it feel even worse. He had betrayed her, had thrown her to wolves and let her be eaten alive. It made his skin crawl and make him feel so utterly ill. He had fucked up, big time, and now Samantha was dead because of him.
He knew there was more to the story - he had saw it in her eyes, but it was a story without words or clue, just there. That reason made him angry as well, and not just towards himself, but towards the Governor. His sympathy made him feel sick for some reason, and no matter how stupid and shitty Nathan's actions could be, he was observant. The Army didn't give him that, but life did.
Without eyes, you're blind to your surroundings. Observation was his eyes. It made him aware.
There was more to the Governor, and for that Nathan was more cautious and more watchful.
And it took Samantha's death to finally realize that.
He hasn't left his apartment since she died. He should've left Woodbury the moment everything happened, but he knew the second he walked out, he wouldn't care what would happen to him, he wouldn't care if a horde of walkers ate him - but he didn't.
