Gods of Halcon 1: Davide Castillejo - COMPLETE

Chapter 49

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What the hell am I doing?

Nakatingin si Davide sa bungkos ng bulaklak. Siya mismo ang bumili noon. It was his first time buying flowers, too. Lahat ng mga bulaklak na ibinigay niya sa napakaraming babae ay hindi mismong siya ang bumili.

This morning, he woke up with a stupid smile on his face as he looked at his wife sleeping beside him on the bed. Ang una niyang naisip ay bilhan ito ng bulaklak kaya naghanap siya noon. They were in Singapore. Kahapon natapos ang meeting at nagpunta sila sa Marina Bay Sands para mag-dinner.

They made love the whole night and he woke up feeling refreshed. It was one the kind of feeling he never thought he would experience. It was one of a kind. Wala iyong iniiwang lungkot sa sistema niya, hindi tulad ng mga pagkakataong may kasama siyang babae sa magdamag.

Aguida deserved more than a bunch of fresh flowers for last night and for every day they spent together and she made him very happy. But it was that same happiness that overwhelmed him that very moment. To have to surrender himself to somebody else was big. Iyon ang bagay na matagal na niyang pinaglalabanan. Now, he was asking himself if it was all worth it.

Alam naman nila ni Aguida kung saan nagmula ang kanilang relasyon. He felt somehow suffocated. Natigil siya sa paghakbang at nag-alinlangan. Palaging ganoon ang nararamdaman niya sa tuwing darating sa ganitong punto. Would he allow himself to keep on? Why would he even try when he knew that the only thing constant in this world was change? It was the only universal truth. People always changed. Hindi niya kayang ipangako na hindi siya magbabago at hinding-hindi niya hihilingin kay Aguida na huwag itong magbago kailanman. Dahil ngayon pa lang ay nakikita na niya ang potential nito at ang mga pagbabago sa buhay ng babae, mga pagbabagong alam niyang hindi niya kontrolado at hindi rin niya gustong panghawakan.

That was the saddest part in relationships—when two individuals start to be dependent on the other for their happiness. How can people be so stupid as to place their own happiness in other people's hands? It was insane. And yet the world pretended that it was the right thing to do. Wasn't that the reason why there were so many unsatisfied husbands and wives all over the planet? Did he really want to be like those fools?

Imbes na tumuloy sa suite ay nagpunta siya sa isang restaurant ng hotel at doon nag-almusal. Alam niyang gusto ni Aguida na makita siya sa tabi nito pero sa pagkakataong iyon ay hindi niya magawang bumalik sa piling ng asawa.

All he ordered was a shot of espresso. Baka sakaling magising siya sa pagkakahimbing na ito. He had avoided being in this situation for a very long time and yet here he was. Mali siguro na mauwi sila ni Aguida sa ganoong sitwasyon pero nananatili pa rin ang goal niya na makuha ang mga bagay na mahahawakan lang niya kung pakakasalan si Aguida. Some of his parents' properties will only be transferred to him when he had fathered a child. Napakatagal na panahon na niyang gustong hawakan ang mga iyon. Ah, the things he can do to those. His own empire. He will make his parents proud. He will finally see the day when they would think he was also a good and worthy son. He wondered if they would regret having ignored him before he was the only child left to carry out the task of marrying a Eusebio.

But even if he was not asked to have children with Aguida, he wanted a few with her. But it felt wrong. It felt wrong to have children with her when the situation was fucked up. It felt wrong to stay with her, in fact. It felt wrong to give her fucking flowers. Everything was murky and he was spinning round and round in that eddy of the unknown. Hindi niya alam kung paano sasabay. Hindi niya alam kung paano lalangoy.

In that confused state, he stood up. Binitbit niya ang bulaklak at lumabas ng restaurant. Naglakad siya at naisipang huwag na lang ibigay ang mga bulaklak sa asawa. May nakasalubong siyang isang babae. Hindi na naging mahalaga sa kanya kung sino ito. He just smiled at her and as he expected, she smiled back. He handed her the bouquet of flowers and said, "Good morning. This is for you."

Halatang nabigla ang babae at nagtanong, "Why?"

He said, "Because you deserve it."

Nilagpasan na niya ang babae at sa halip na puntahan si Aguida ay nagpasyang magpalipas ng oras sa observation deck. Mamayang hapon pa ang flight nila pabalik ng Maynila. Ayaw niyang mag-isip tungkol sa kanilang dalawa. Siguro kung titingin siya sa skyline ng Singapore ay maibabalik niya ang sense of purpose. Gusto niyang maibalik ng tanawin ang drive niya bago pakasalan si Aguida, bago niya naramdaman ang mga ganitong pakiramdam. Metropolitan skylines always made him feel like he owned the world, that he had a place in the business world. At iyon ang kailangan niyang ilagay sa isipan. Feelings were strange complications he did not need. They were unquantifiable, unlike success, specifically, business success. He was good at that. He was never good at feelings and relationships.

Yeah, I pretty much fucked this vacation up, malamya niyang naisip kasabay ng buntong-hininga.

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