Gods of Halcon 1: Davide Castillejo - COMPLETE

Chapter 54

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DAVIDE was shaking. Literally shaking. Kanina pa siya hindi makaalis sa parking area ng condo tower. Nanginginig pa rin ang mga kamay niya. Never had he felt like this before. He felt helpless, frustrated, mad, sad, and heartbroken. Kung alam lang ni Aguida kung gaano katagal niya pinlano ang pagpunta doon.

He never had any restful sleep since she left. At first, he tried to tell himself that everything was going to be okay, that he only needed the company of good people. Of good women. So he spent a few nights with them. Ni minsan ay hindi niya nagawang gawin ang iniisip niyang kaya niyang gawin. He was not able to sleep with any of those women, even though he told himself many times that he should to get it over and done with.

Mula nang magpakasal sila ni Aguida, hindi na niya nagawang tumabi sa iba. It was insane. He felt controlled, suffocated. He was always thinking about Aguida. Hindi na iyon healthy. Gusto niyang bumalik sa dating buhay kung saan hindi siya nag-iisip ng kahit na ano tungkol sa babae. Back then, he had focus, he had clarity, he had intent. Now, he was nothing but a mass of irrational feelings. For fuck's sake.

Ayaw niya ng ganitong pakiramdam. He felt fear. It did not make any sense to fear losing a person who never became his anyway. Alam niyang hindi sila totoong mag-asawa ni Aguida. He even pushed her away. Sa isang banda, naiintindihan niya ang babae nang sabihin nitong gusto nitong mag-isip. Lalo niyang naintindihan kung bakit sa tingin nito ay hindi magandang magkaroon sila ng anak, given the situation. Of course, he did understand that.

At the back of his mind, he knew that the best course for them was to separate. Hindi niya kailanman naisip na magiging ganoon kahirap ang kanilang pagsasama. He was naive to think that the two of them will get married, have children, and still have their own separate lives.

He felt that Aguida wanted more from their relationship. Dapat sigurong naisip na niya ang posibilidad. He wanted to give that a shot, too, but it was too big of a commitment. And so they separated. And his life had been turned upside down since. He can't even enjoy his routines.

Sa unang umagang wala ang kanyang asawa sa bahay ay damang-dama niya iyon. The house felt like an old cathedral, echoing its own emptiness. His coffee tasted bland somehow. His life felt bland. Sa bawat sulok ng bahay naroon ang bakas ni Aguida. Sometimes he can hear her hearty laugher in his head and his heart will break, knowing that he had hurt her. But he knew he would only hurt her more if he kept her there when she was clearly very unhappy. Hindi niya maibigay ang gusto nito kaya ano ang dahilan para hindi niya ito pabayaang umalis?

And then when he saw her again, this time free and with another man, he lost it and told her she needed to move back in with him. He was an asshole. Ang tanging depensa niya sa nagawa ay nabigla siya, at hanggang ngayon ay hindi matanggap ang posibilidad na mayroong ibang lalaking makakasama si Aguida.

It was utterly selfish. Sitting here now, he understood. Isa iyon sa dahilan kung bakit nanginginig ang kanyang mga kamay. Was it stress? Was it utter frustration? Maybe. Huminga siya nang malalim, saka pinaandar ang sasakyan. Hindi niya isinama ang driver. Somehow, he didn't want anyone knowing that he was going to see the woman he pushed away. Whoever wanted people to witness how stupid they were?

Inisip niya kung saan tutuloy pero wala nang saysay na magsayang siya ng oras sa kung saang lugar para matabunan ang isipin tungkol kay Aguida. He went home. The moment he opened the door, he was assaulted with the kind of emptiness and loneliness that made him want to sit in a dark corner like a child.

Tumuloy siya sa bar. He poured himself some whisky. Inisip niya kung ano ang magandang gawin. Sinabi na niya sa ama na aayusin ang lahat ng iyon. He had to tell his folks that because Aguida's father talked to them. Gustong makialam ng mga ito. He put his foot down and told them he will take care of it. Now, he knew he was going to let Aguida go. He just knew.

Hindi niya kayang patuloy na itali ang babae sa mga pangako para lang sa mga property na matagal nang gustong makuha. He had a lot, he didn't need any more. This time, it was too easy to let it go he had to wonder what made him hang on to the idea of having those for a very long time. It was sad, in a way, working for something for a very long time only to realize it was not worth all the trouble.

I just wish that asshole can make her happy, sa isip-isip niya kasabay ng pagtungga sa alak. Realizing that Aguida can find a replacement too quickly was painful but it was the kind of pain he would simply have to ignore. Walang kalalagyan iyon sa buhay ng babae.

Noon siya nakatanggap ng tawag mula kay Zauro. "You free tomorrow? Bring Aguida. We'll play again."

"She's not here."

"Where is she?"

"She left."

"When is she coming back?"

"Never, I think."

"You fucking with me?"

"No, sadly."

Matagal bago ito nagkapagsalita. "The hell is wrong with you? Why do you have to ruin the one thing that made you human? The only thing that made you happy?"

"Because I'm an idiot?"

"Damn right, you are. Get her back. Chop-chop!"

"I think it's safe to say that she's enjoying her freedom. I have no plans of taking that away from her."

"You arrogant bastard. What makes you think you know her? What makes you think you know what makes her happy? Did you even try to talk to her?"

Hindi niya magawang sabihin sa kaibigan na may iba na siguro si Aguida. Kilala niya ang babae, may pagka-conservative ito. She will not allow a man to come inside her place if she's all alone. Gabi na rin nang makarating siya sa bahay nito at mukhang hindi pa aalis ang Jet na iyon kung hindi siya dumating.

"There's nothing to talk about anymore."

"Says the most emotionally constipated person I know. Ikaw, nasa 'yo naman ang desisyon. Ang akin lang, kausapin mo na lang. What's the worst that can happen?"

"And what will I tell her?"

"That you will love her forever."

"How can I tell her something I can't guarantee?"

"Alam mo, pare, hindi negosyo ang relasyon. Wala namang totoong guarantee sa buhay. You may find yourself no longer loving the person you once thought you'd love forever, but does that mean you will stop yourself from experiencing the kind of love that makes you happy? Why torture yourself? Besides, it doesn't take a lot to keep choosing to love your wife everyday... unless she's an asshole, which I don't think so. Is she?"

"Of course not, you bastard."

"Then why do you make it seem as if she's hard to keep loving when you have obviously fallen in love with her?"

"What if I'm not good enough?"

"Then try to be. Good luck. Talk soon." Nawala na ito sa linya.

Davide wondered if he can try. Was it too late? He will never know if he wouldn't try.

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