I Need To Know....

-16- Mercy

I hanged my knees against my chest and rock myself with my eyes closed. I refused to open my eyes to see the child.

Ms. Johnson said he was the cutest baby she had ever seen, but I shut my eyes.  I relived the rape experience that I have put behind me for nine months.

The drops of the rain helped me covered my whimper, I ignored everything Jeffery and Ms. Johnson kept saying about the him.

We got home after a day in the hospital. I was glad no one pressurized me to touch the baby, all I did was to take care of myself and was so scared to look at the child.

Ms. Johnson became close to Jeffery, he was always in our flat helping out with the child. I didn't know if I should be happy or sad. I felt so strange, my breast was dripping with milk and it was very painful that I began to weep.

"What's wrong dear?" Ms. Johnson ran to me with the baby in her arms. I fixed my eyes on her only, avoiding the child.

"My breast hurts so much sister."

"Oh mine, that's how it is dear. The baby needs to be fed, hence you were trying to stay sane I decided to give the baby formula."

She gently put the baby in his crib and returned to me.

"Please sis don't make me breastfeed him."

"No dear, the doctor explained everything to us...."

"US?"

"I..I meant me."

"It's about you and Mr. Jeffery right?" I found myself laughing very loud.

"There, finally! you are laughing. Thank God."

After we laughed our lungs out, I looked at the baby for the first time in three days. He looks nothing like Owen just his light skin, he looked so adorable. I didn't know why it took me so long to look at him. Every pain died down, he became my healing. The child didn't do anything to me, I must learn to let go of every anger and pain.

"Hadassah, are you okay?" with her arms on my shoulder I let out a deep breath.

"I will be fine, but please don't force me to carry him. I will do it little by little, just let me put myself together."

"That's what I'm here for Dassah. We will have to name the child soon, our fellowship members visited earlier and asked for the naming day."

I forget the part of the naming ceremony. I have to think of a name, this is the part that I missed my parents most. I told them not to rush me, that they can call him any name till further notice. The baby was taken to the hospital on the seventh day for circumcision and won't stop crying for the rest of that week.

Standing by the window and watching the raindrops gave me some peacefully thoughts.

I am the child of light, I must think like one. God planned our lives before we were born. Accepting the child will connect me to God, Mary mother of Jesus was the bravest girl of her time. I have to do it.

####

Ms. Johnson was very busy fixing the house throughout the weekend. She invited Mr. Jeffery to help out with the arrangements for the ceremony. But I was yet to decide the baby's name, I have to decide soon.

It's been two weeks since he came into this world, yet no name is given to him except for the little champ everyone calls him.

The few people were invited to the ceremony were all present but we heard a very strange knock at the door. Ms. Johnson opened the door and everyone's attention was drowned to the door, I was too shocked to believe our guest.