Lonely (a falsettos college AU)

Guilty

Thank you very few people who are reading this, but 500 reads hotdamn.

I reread it from the beginning and realised how poor the first couple of chapters were.

When they got back to school after the break, Whizzer was in both his best and worse state mentally. He was having regular sex- which was usual- most of the time it was with total strangers, but now...

Now it was with someone he knew, and cared about.

Of course there were days when he was horny and Marvin was in class or out with Trina, but those were the days when he would hit up a dating app, try and find a one night stand.

But the worst thing was the guilt he felt. He could manage it most of the time, thinking it was not his fault, but every time he saw Trina, talked to her, caught a glimpse of her he would feel it, bearing into his soul.

The guilt of hurting someone intentionally can never be dealt with by "letting it go" or by "breathing it free" or "making amends". Guilt like that never goes away.

Guilt is the demon that hides under your bed, strangling you from inside your body, twisting knots into your stomach until you forget what not feeling it anymore is like.

And it began to manifest, showing physical symptoms. He told himself, the mistake had already been made, no amount of guilt can change the past. But then they would have sex again. Whizzers already horrendous sleep pattern became non existent, leaving him awake in Marvin's arms through the night. He wondered how Marvin was able to sleep knowing that Trina was somewhere, feeling dizzy with her love for him.

Whizzer could say with his whole heart that Marvin was not the most beautiful person, and He could say that because in the short space of time, he meant more to Whizzer than the social construct of beauty. The way he made Whizzer feel was so much more important! While Marvin may not be the most beautiful, in Whizzer's eyes he was so much more than that. He saw him with the beauty others may not. That is all that mattered to him.

But it was bittersweet. Falling in love with someone who could never be his.

And after seeing Trina in the halls, or catching glances of her smile in class, he would throw up because he felt the shame and the guilt. But also because he felt scared.

People do not abandon people they love, they abandon people they were using.

So Marvin and Whizzer kept having sex, each time both of them telling themselves it would be the last time only to sleep together again.

One day they were having angry sex, both of them taking out their own internal anger on the other. Sometimes Whizzer liked topping, he had an intense anger that he could only get rid of when he was  dominating, and as he fucked Marvin in an aggressive way he had never done before. Amongst the flurry of moans, and gasps of pain, Marvin said it.

The three words that whizzer was so afraid of.

"I love you."

Heat of the moment but Whizzer still muttered it back under his breath, falling far from Marvin's hearing, the difference was Whizzer meant it.

It made him feel nauseous to his stomach. After they finished, Marvin held him tightly, one leg wrapped around him, but his grip felt suffocating, sickly and a single tear fell down Whizzers cheek as he felt the waves of guilt crash against him, and the demons coming out to play.

His guilt only continued to grow and layer like a weed, crossing over and planting deep roots that no matter if he destroyed the flower of the dandelion, the roots would still remain, regrowing a new flower.

Then one day he heard a small, slight knock on his door in his free period. In his confusion, he opened the door, and instantly thought he was going to be sick.

"Ummm Trina. Hi. You know Marvin's not here right now, right?"

"I know, I came for you."

Her voice was sad with a touch of anger and Whizzer's heart dropped and began to pulsate faster than ever before, this time he knew he was going to be sick.

"Now isn't really a good time-" but before he could finish his sentence she shoved past him and sat on marvin's bed, holding the cover up to her nose and sniffing the sheets. "- Trina, what's wrong with you?"

She sighed, tiny drops of moisture forming in the corners of her eyes

"I think... I think Marvin's cheating on me."

He let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door behind her. He walked to his own bed, mimicking the position she was sitting him and tried his hardest to suppress his urge to vomit.

"Why do you think that?"
"You know how in the break we stayed at Marvs? Well in the bin in his bedroom I found a condom."
"Used"
"Yes."
"But how can you be sure it wasn't from you guys-"
"Because we haven't had sex."

Whizzer blinked in confusion.

"Hold up, you and Marvin haven't had sex?"

"No, he says 'love isn't sex' and that he thinks it should be special between us. Then I did some snooping, and according to the house manager, only two beds were slept in that night, not four."

"No way."

Whizzer moseyed as he thought back to fact that Charlotte had not told him about her and Cordelia actually having sex that night.

"Yes, and I figured, since you and Charlotte are such good friends that it must be Cordelia."

Whizzer sat in silence for a minute, trying think of an excuse good enough to get Marvin out of it but not dig him a deeper hole.

"Maybe you should just ask him?"

The guilt ate him up from the inside, nibbling turning into bites, bites turning into chunks.

"But what if I'm wrong? He'll never forgive me!"

Whizzer took a deep breath, thinking.

"If he did, then I'm sorry he loved you badly, and made you think that he made you feel like you're taking up more space than you deserve..."

"I don't think that!"

"You do, you feel bad for him and you haven't even taken a second to think about how you feel about this."

She looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes and Whizzer ran to the trash can, vomiting the foul liquid.

"Are you okay?"
"No I've been feeling ill for a while."

He sat back down on his bed, involuntary tears falling down his own face from the acrid taste in his mouth. He felt Trina's arms wrap around him, and she leant her head on chest, and together they just cried.

"Whizzer, what happens if I lose him?"

The sadness of it all was that it mimicked Whizzers own thoughts.

"If he really loves you, he won't want to be with anyone else, they won't even cross his field of vision... he'll just want you."

"But he said he wanted to have a family together, he said he loved me, he said 'you and I are end game'"

And there was the tiny voice in Whizzers head again saying...

"Me too"

Then she said exactly what Whizzer was thinking...

"how am I meant to say goodbye when my heart still wants to hold on?"