Till The End [Phan]

Where Do We Belong? Anywhere But Here.

I heard my mum knock on my door softly and was pleased to find her in a good mood.
"Hi, come in." I said as I paused my Dan and Phil video and sat up, noticing that my browsing position had been enabled. Mum opened my door and smiled.

"You okay?" She asked. At first I thought she was being nice so I'd wash up or clean something, but when I looked at her she seemed genuinely interested,
"Yeah I'm cool I guess. I was just watching YouTube and then I was gonna do a recording. Did you want something?" I rolled up the sleeves on my jumper, it was kind of hot in my room but I didn't like wearing only short sleeves. She nodded at me and swallowed.
"Is something up, mum?" I asked. She nodded again and sat on my bed.

"I had a call," she said, "from the Social Services. They said that, someone had called in anonymously saying that they were worried about your home life and that a social worker would need to come over and see us... that you might be put in a care home... I don't know what to do, Jane. I just don't know." I flinched at the name. She had her head in her hands by then and I assume she was crying. I patted her back and tried to reassure her that everything would be okay. I didn't actually believe that. I just know that it helps if you keep saying it. I'd told myself that probably a billion times in that week.
"Hey, it'll be okay mum. It'll be fine." I smiled reassuringly. I was a pretty good liar when it came to it.
"You think?" She asked me, and I nodded in response.
"Okay," She said, standing up and sniffing, "are you hungry? You haven't eaten much today?"
"I'm fine thanks." I replied as I pointed to a pile of crisps, Doritos and chocolate at the end of my bed. She rolled her eyes at me and left my room.

My name's Jane, but let's face it: my mum was probably drunk when she picked it out. It made me think of a giggly girl who wore pink and played piano and did dance lessons; that was pretty much totally the opposite of me. I wore mostly black or grey and dark colours, like deep blue or aubergine purple. I couldn't play the piano and my hair was short for a girl and black with a red streak across my fringe- oh and I danced worse than Dil Howlter listening to pop music. So basically I didn't like my name and everyone called me Jay because it suited me better, everyone except my mum when she was worried or angry with me.

The anonymous call to Social Services was me. My mum had a drinking problem that drove me over the edge of sanity. I had a ridiculous amount of pressure put on me for school and stuff and I basically looked after my house. I had been diagnosed with depression by my local GP, and I was currently on medication. My weekend job, that I wasn't supposed to have, earned back most of the money my mum blew on alcohol. It would have covered all of it but I didn't go to work from six in the morning until five at night so I could earn back alcohol money, I had to treat myself to band merch and cat whisker shirts, sometimes, right?

I called ChildLine (which, in case you don't know, is a phone service that helps children who need advice and support), and told them about everything that went on at home, about my mum's drinking problem and how sometimes she'd blame big problems, like not being able to pay the rent, on me and how I just had a lot of pressure put on me and that I worked weekends and payed for food with the money. The lady on the phone said that I could contact the social services in my area and take it from there, if I wanted to. I put it off for weeks, but kept the number anyway. I genuinely thought I wouldn't do it, until one time when my mum didn't get home until three in the morning and had been gone for twenty four hours. I'd pretty much had enough by then.

It probably seems selfish to do that. But I was just sick of staying up until three in the morning worrying about things I shouldn't need to worry about. Fourteen year olds shouldn't work weekends and pay for shopping and be angry all the time. I should've been focusing on my schoolwork and making friends... or YouTube videos... and eating cake at sleepovers and stuff. Not looking after my mum and running a house.