Caged Nightingale

50- atif

I leave her sat at the kitchen worktop looking over the list. She's worried, anxious, excited. She can't hide anything.
Just the thought of her as my sub has me on a high- I walk around light headed all day- Saara Khan is going to be my sub. The woman of my dreams is going to give it up for me- I can only half believe it. I am hard thinking about it.
I feel like a teenager, excited. I have to take a moment to reprimand myself. This is not a fumble in the dark. This is serious stuff and the fact that Saara is willing to give it a go, is crazy. I can't even comprehend it fully.
I need to think carefully. I can't just steam roll ahead. Go slow. For saara, the two most important things are the emotional and physical control. Her greatest challenges will be fear of humiliation and lack of power. Either one could be a trigger for a drop. This concerns me- worries me even. I care for Saara, I dont want to hurt her, yet part of the thrill for me is knowing I can if I want to- when I'm a dom. Our relationship is convoluted. I am in love with her, I know she is leaving and am (despite how much I might deny it even to myself) anxious not to ruin the time we have together. When I am with her, I cant help but respond to her emotionally. Her mood affects my mood. I feel protective of her. Am at odds with myself when we fall out, full of self loathing because my own moody behaviour towards her, seems self destructive. Getting into the play is usually easy, put away one version of yourself and unleash another. With Saara, I'm not sure this is going to be fully possible. Over this last month, I seem to be more intuned with her. I can read her body language, hear more than what she says and even prempt her thinking occasionally. I've grown familiar with her ways, watching her day and night. She has become an addiction. How can I seperate myself emotionally from her tonight? I muse over this idea and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

But she's agreed to it, was even interested in taking part. I suppose we both feel a little uncertain. she's worried because this is a world she hasnt ever entered and I'm worried because I'm not sure I can seperate myself fully from the person I've become around her.

The idea is to make it safe and gradually lead her in to places she she never thought of. Maybe I will need to be a little softer.
I need a collar. Cuffs. Perhaps A T-Bar.
A couple of hours later i am sat with a jeweller who ive used before for bespoke pieces. He's discrete and I know I can trust him. "Its got to be solid gold, heavy, wide." I tell him. We discuss aesthetics and he leaves to get on with the rush order agreeing to have it delivered directly to me this even, himself.
Ive had a hard on all day just thinking about Saara on her knees waiting for me. I watch her in the garden, she sits under a palm tree, reading. She pushes a strand of hair out of her face behind her ear as it falls forward. She fingers the corner of the page, puts her finger in her mouth to wet the tip before returing to prize it away. She leans back against the tree, lost in the book. Looking at ease, relaxed. So innocent.

Fuck. She has no idea what is going to happen tonight.

I'm going to corrupt her.