Caged Nightingale

58-Saaa

September
Its a warm after noon, like the residue of the summer, the air is balmy. I move through the shadows cast by the towering glass and stone skyscrapers of the busy city district, peopled by suits. Hundreds of them, grabbing a quick lunch before they get back to the grind. It feels like I was never away.
I pass by a book shop and catch a glimpse of myself. Navy knee lenth skirt suit, matching heels, silk cross over shirt. Hair pushed back behind one ear. The reflection looks like me-but it feels like I'm looking at a ghost of myself. I shake off the unsettled feeling.
Getting back to normal was going to take time. I was lucky I could work- freelance consulting was always a mixed bag though. Anything from the mundane, everyday, low risk investment advice to the big stakes.
I'm walking east, purse in hand, a couple of streets over from the office, to where colleagues usually frequent one of the local eateries. My stomach is rumbling and I'm starving. Sandwich; mediterranean on toasted rye, coffee: white with sugar, fruit salad. Should do the trick. Bottled water- I tag on mentally.
Its as I pass another shop window, that I catch the glimpse of a familiar face in the reflection. Tall, broad shoulders, dark short back and sides, chiselled jaw, charcoal grey suit over pale pink shirt and tie.
I turn to look across the busy street. I could have sworn it was him. Fuck. The sudden excitement gives me a surge of adrenaline. It was him! I try to scan the human traffic flowing in the other direction. Turn around and walk in the back, continuing to search through the moving crowd. There! It is him! Talking on the phone as he continues to walk away. He's working in the city? Here in London? Since when?
I call out his name across the street. Again this time waving my hand hoping the gesture will catch his eye. He must catch the sound because he turns to look, notices the movement of my hand before his eyes finally meet mine. Recognition dawning before a smile spreads across his face. He hangs up and stands there across the street smiling at me hands out in front like he can't believe it himself.
I smile back lowering my hand slowly, I motion to the crossing a couple of hundred yards away and he nods in acknowledgement. He doesn't take his eyes off me as we both move towards it, my heart racing in my chest.
He's really here. Fuck he is a sight for sore eyes. Smiling at me like its the most natural thing in the world. But it's not- because my chest is expanding with joy and my head feels light. I feel light, the flip flop in my stomach from excitement is novel.
Then we're facing each other. Waiting for the lights to change. His expression is a mixture of warmth and hunger and I can't help but instinctively mirror it. My hands are sweaty, I push back the hair behind an ear and turn to look at the lights before back to him. Still red, agonisingly slow. I try not to figit nervously as I shift my weight from obe leg to the other.
His cheeky halfgrin still holds its charm for me. It is pure mischief. God I've missed him and this- it feels like waking up.
Then just as suddenly, the world explodes behind him. The glare of flashing light bursts forth, half blinding me. Glass smashing and splintering outwards. Rubble propelling in all directions. Wafts of smoke clouding the street.
And Atif's sad smile is the last last thing I see as rolls of flames swallow him up.

I'm crying as I sit up in bed. Tears streaming down my face, heart ready to explode. The heat- oh god the heat of the blast. Thoughts are stuttering in my head and the words feel strangled in my throat.
Atif's holding me. Cradling me. Pulls me onto his lap. Soothing me with words i cant hear. I'm crying into his chest, blubbering some half nonsense. In a total panic. I can't shake the panic, fear, it has a jold over me. My breathing and words are ragged.

Even later, I lie awake listening to Atif 's breathing as he sleeps and all I can think is "Thank god it was a just a nightmare. Not real." Its one thing to lose yourself another to watch someone you love die.