Caged Nightingale

72-Saara

He stands there just inside the sliding door and stares. In the shadowed corridor, frozen, his face full of shadows and harsh angles.
He doesnt step out onto the veranda.
There's an expression on his face I don't recognise. A mixture of anger, fear and waried apprehension. It doesn't surprise me. The idealist, unrealistic part of me had hoped he would have been happy with my grand gesture, but the truth is he has every right to be angry at me. I just upped and left. It wasn't fair. He probably thinks I'm a solipsistic wench.
For the last two weeks I've been trying to talk myself out of this relationship. Can I become someone else? No. Can I leave my life in London behind? Maybe. Can I raise this baby on my own without Atif? Yes. Do I want to? No. Do I love him? Yes. Can I live without him? Yes. Do I want to? No. Even thinking about the beginning has added to my indecision. Our first meeting couldn't have been a chance encounter, it was as if we were meant to meet. If I decide not to return -am I going against something bigger? It would be pure foolish stupidity. Its been a non-stop Merry-go-round.
I lift out a hand, calling to Atif to join me. He doesn't move: just stands there, in the darkness, glaring at me. Waried suspicion in those shadowed eyes. Of course he doesn't trust me.
"Am I getting the cold bastard treatment?" I say trying to lighten the mood. My voice laced with my own anxiety. I shift my weight from foot to foot.
He doesn't say anthing, but I see his jaw tighten. His eyes are like aggregated diamonds. Cold pits of fury and suspicion.
I look away, unable to bare the hate in him. "I'm sorry-" my voice wobbles a little and I know I'm close to tears. Maybe its too late. I've destroyed it all. Sabotaged everything. His face is guarded and I know he's thinking I'm selfish and hateful.
I continue the bravado act eventhough I don't feel it. "I didn't mean-"
"-Why are you here?" His clipped tone is so cold and distant, each word cutting deeper than barbed wire. There's an accusation is his voice which I don't know how to respond to. I've lost him- the thought makes my heart sink. I look down at my hands helplessly and then back up at him. I don't have the words to explain so I say the only thing I can. " I wanted to come home," I whisper and look up to see the agony on his face. Like its painful to hear.
"And tomorrow? If you decide to change your mind, decide you want to go back-" his eyebrows furrow and he shuts his eyes, trying to maintain some level of control. Then in a calmer voice opens his eyes and asks "Will you just disappear again? How can you walk in and out of other peoples' lives so carelessly?"I hear the vulnerability in his words and feel a pang of shame. "You just left-without a word!" He says in disbelief. I know he has evey right to feel outraged at my behaviour. But it isn't anger and that's what alarms me- anger would be good. It would show he's upset. But he sounds so distant and cold.
I take a step forward, trying to close the distance between us. Then another, till I'm stood in front of him. I hear the pain in his voice and silently thank god: He still cares for me. "I'm sorry- it took me so long but I wanted to be sure." I say earnestly, lifting my palm to his face, so that he will look at me.
"You sure now?" He asks softly and I see his face soften a little.
I nod slowly and stand on my tiptoes, winding my hands around his shoulders. "You know what? I've decided I'm going to make you like me as much as I like you." I say winding my arms around his shoulders.
He scoffs and i feel the weight lift off my shoulders.
"I'd like to see you try!" He says and that's all the invitation I need to shower him in kisses.