Caged Nightingale

69- saara

Silence.
My mother is pursing her lips. I know she wants to say something but she's biting her lip. Maybe she thinks the silence will translate her disapproval. But over the last few months, I seem to have severed my acute sense of responsibility as well as conscious. I sit stoically through the stoney silence.
'Saara. . . .' she says trying to find her footing. But it doesn't matter, I'm not listening anymore.
I turn to look back at the house, mind wandering back inside to where Atif is with my father.
If my father decides against our relationship - he might as well declare war. The world and his wife wont be able to change his mind. I don't know anyone more stubborn than him. Its always been easier to conceded to his will, but that might be because I've never really needed to ask him for anything. Well nothing that I knew he would never approve of.
But sitting here now, I feel the tectonic shift in me. I'm no longer willing to "tow the line" or "fall in line" infact I feel suddenly emboldened enough to stand up for what i want, if I need to. That strength has come from Atif.
Love, trust, respect count for nothing if you're the one making all the compromises. I love my parents, but it's time see what our relationship is really made of.
After seeing my father today, I admit a part of me is just a little suspicious of him. He didn't seem surprised at all to see me, nor relieved or emotional like my mother. In fact he seemed almost smug. I don't know why that irritated me, but it did more than it should have. I try not to dwell on my suspicions - it's simply futile. The worst thing I could do right now is react by make decisions on fleeting emotions like anger. I need to stick to the facts and respond accordingly.
I thought dealing with one thing at a time in terms of urgency would be the best strategy moving forward. Getting here, convincing my parents, Atif and then baby. Maybe it was all in the wrong order. My mind should be less burdened, but the truth is- it all feels just as intense. Each thing has been draining, the tension hasn't waned even a little.
Now that I'm here and having realised I don't care whether my parents approve, I feel even more stressed out; I have to face the reality of Atif's relationship with me. I'm exhausted.
When we were in his home, I was dependent on him. I accepted everything naturally, like a guest to his host. It was behavior true to the circumstances. I trusted him and that was enough.
But here, I need to know if we are compatible. Whether we can be ourselves and be good together? Whether the power in our relationship can be shared? What happens next if indeed we decide to try to make our relationship work?
Do I go back with him? Live in hiding as an imposter? Live here, as myself, in constant fear with an unpredictable future hanging over me?
When you're in the eye of a storm, there are moments of calm, respite- but not if you're consumed with fearful anticipation about facing the tail end of a hurricane.