Summer to Remember | ✓

35 - "Can't blame anyone but myself."

Rhys

"Cora!"

Many of my nightmares have bloomed to become reality too often. When dad found Libby lying dead in a ditch on the side of the road, that had been one of them. When I'd snuck into his office because I'd believe I could handle seeing the pictures they'd taken of the scene; that had been another.

Losing Cora is something that I'd added to my list of horrors long before tonight. After I had realised just how fucking much she meant to me, I knew I was only buying myself more time until she learnt the truth. Because even as I had tried to suppress the thought, I knew that she would realise the note was fake sooner or later. I couldn't keep lying to her.

I go to shout her name again but the words catch in my throat, sticking their like super glue. I grip the gate with my hands until my knuckles turn white.

"Fuck," I say hoarse, my chest tightening.

I know without a doubt that I've just lost her for good. She is too strong-minded to ever forgive me for this. She found it hard enough to forgive Ryan, and he's her goddamn best friend.

I've lost the best person in my life and I can't even do anything about it. Because it's all my fault. All my fucking doing. I'd sat back and obeyed the boys like a fucking dog. I'd known what I was doing was wrong from the beginning. A stupid thrill for the boys that I'd still agreed with. Still stood by as Dale and Carter in particular, chose how we could get at Cora Cardigan; the girl who had rejected them far too often.

I should go after her, but I'm a fucking coward. Because I know that her words will be worse, that she'll pierce my soul entirely.

"So, a liar then. A monster."

It had been hard to breathe when she'd stared at me like I was nothing to her. The way she used to stare at me before we were together. Such pure hatred, disgust.

"You can leave me alone. Because I will never be able to forgive you. And you will never be able to make me feel anything but the hatred that I feel for you now."

That had cut. No matter how much I had tried to stop the fucking clench of my whimsical heart, it had tightened until I could not look her in the eye.

Hindsight is the worst kind of bitch. I will do anything to take back what I've done to her. How I've disgraced her summer and her mother's case.

Worst of all, I truly can't blame anyone but myself, because I should have known better.

"Rhys?"

I whirl, my shoulders tense as I face Lucas. He watches me, frowning, his hands crossed over his chest.

"What the fuck's going on, man?" he rubs his tired eyes and I realise that he's slept through all of this.

When I'd come back in to find Cora gone earlier, it had only taken one look at Dale to know what he'd done. Carter had tried to explain that he'd told him to shut his fucking mouth, but I was out the door, already trying to find my girl in the dark.

"She knows," I croak. "About the note. She knows."

Lucas blinks, surprise evident in his expression. "I thought you'd already told her."

Another lie I'd told. I had thought my friends would drop it if I told them that she knew and that she'd chosen to forgive me. I didn't think it would come back to bite me in the ass.

"I did think it was strange when she forgave you so quickly," he says warily, "it seemed so unlike the CeCe Cadigan we'd grown up knowing about."

"Dale told her," I say hoarsely. "Now she really fucking hates me."

Lucas slaps a hand on my shoulder, squeezing so that I'll look up at him. His blonde hair is plastered to his forehead from sleep, his eyes tired. "She doesn't hate you. She might be angry, but she loves you."

"Nah, man," I shake my head, "you didn't see the way— the way she looked at me. Like I was nothing."

"Well, you didn't see the way she brightened when I asked her if she loved you earlier," he speaks softly. "Before I fucking passed out on the couch."

"That was before she knew, though," I whisper. "And she isn't one to forgive easily. Stubborn, like you. But rightfully stubborn in this case. I've ruined everything for her."

"Fuck," Lucas sighs, "I've never gotten along with the chick but I can see that you love her. And that means that I...tolerate her," he cringes, like the words are hard to form. "I like her just for loving you, man. So don't give up so easily. Because when you have something good, you don't let it go."

"I don't want to let go, Lucas," I involuntarily snap, "but it's too late. I should have never agreed to that stupid prank."

"We didn't think it would get so out of hand," Lucas scrubs his face, regret evident in his tone. "I know the boys are remorseful."

"I don't think I can look at Dale right now," I growl. "I know he already thought I told her, but I specifically told both of them to never bring it up again. That it was the past."

Lucas pales slightly and I place a hand on the back of his neck, his hard gaze meeting mine. "You good?"

He gulps and I see the way he works his jaw, gritting his teeth. "I've gotta tell you something else. Something really fucking crazy."

"What?"

He closes his eyes, breathing out slowly. "It's really crazy man. I can't— I'm not supposed to tell anyone. I shouldn't even know."

"Lucas, what the fuck—"

"Promise you won't act out when I tell you. Promise we'll deal with this together," he says, sternly, fists clenched.

"Lucas—"

"Promise me, Rhys."

"Okay," I breathe. "I promise."

"It's about Cora."

I still, my hand sliding away from him as I step back, taking in his demeanour.

He cover his mouth, his eyes wide. "Something you said about the past before, it just— it triggered all this shit I'm trying to suppress."

"Lucas, just spit it out," I utter, my gaze focusing on his movements, his nervous ticks.

When he opens his mouth, I struggle to breathe. I struggle to understand that his words are real at all.

"I think I know what happened to her mother. I think I know where Zeila Cadigan went."