stardust | park seonghwa ✓

39

WHEN I burst into my room, I see San's silhouette from behind the curtains, looking below. He looks preoccupied, swinging his crutches next to him and humming a happy tune.

But I don't greet him. I know he's turned away from the window now because of the loud sound I made as I came in. His eyes I feel against my back as I gather every one of my belongings and shove them into my bag. He is confused and to be frank, I am too.

There are too many noises in my head to fully comprehend that San has been calling my name several times now, each time getting more and more concerned. That is, until San places his hands on my shoulders and turns me around, forcing me to face him and calm down for a moment. I've never seen him look so demanding before.

"Hyeshin!" he calls with a firmer tone, eyes searching for mine and I cringe when his they flash a soft pink. "You need to calm down! What are you doing? Where's Seonghwa hyung?"

No, it's still dizzying.

"Hyeshin!" he pauses.

"Focus on me... slowly, slowly..." San's voice is a little distorted in my head but I still hear him.

Go away!

What I want to say doesn't slip past my lips, stuck annoyingly at the back of my throat. However the tighter San grips my shoulders, the clearer my thoughts and I'm able to process my thoughts a little smoother. He counts me down, guiding me through my controlled breaths until I don't feel as though the thorns climbing up my neck was going to suffocate me any further.

Okay, maybe I thought I was prepared... but unexpectedly (or as expected, rather) I was never ready.

I knew beforehand that whatever the result was going to be, whatever mark was on there, either way I would be shocked all the same and it will both impact me greatly. For months and months on end, secretly as I lay awake on the verge of drifting off to sleep, I would play the roles in my head: what would happen if he has my mark and how I would react... what would happen if he does not.

I knew I overestimated myself by a long shot. Turns out, I was never ready after all and now I wish I've never had the desire to know. Yeosang was right, sometimes it's better to stay clueless. I wish I listened to him more.

My thought process replays the scene I saw and I still remember my own consciousness yelling loudly inside my head. Those are not my colours! They are not my constellation, not my star! Why are they not my star! And how it felt to have my words taken straight out of my mouth, my head spinning and it was as if everything in me had left my body. If it wouldn't for me sitting on the bed, I'm sure I would've lost all strength in my legs.

That would mean... San... that means―

With those thoughts ringing loud in a messy jumble of noises in my head, I start to make more sense of how easy it is to focus when San touches my hand, holding it tightly in a safe hold. Slowly, the dark fog in my mind completely disintegrates and my vision returns in bright colours. A subtle way the universe tells me that I should've realised sooner.

"Hyeshin, fuck, you don't look so good, oh my God," San's voice sounds more airy than I remember it to be. "What's wrong?"

"I want to go home," I say without thinking.

In his eyes, I can see the curiosity build up but I find myself sighing in relief when he questions me no further. Instead, after a momentary pause of him thinking, San stands up and offers a hand to me. The world around me spins for a split second but I take it anyway.

Everything is in a blur. I don't know for sure if it's my vision or it's just the really hazy state of mind I'm in right now. By the time I can get a sense of where we are, my bag is already taken from my hand and we are out. My subconsciousness feels grateful for San as he leads us out of the resort, saying a quick bye to Yoonjin as we rush past her in the parking lot. She's confused, I can feel it.