Untangling a Memory

A punk and a jerk

"That seemed to go alright." Bucky sat back in his chair, holding his water in his right hand, and enjoying the breeze.

"Yes, that was great! T'Challa certainly knows how to make a group feel welcome. He might not be from the '40s, but he is no less of a gentleman." Steve chuckled. He was also kicked back in his chair, leg crossed over his knee, finishing a drink.

Bucky smiled, "Not everyone can be 100 years old, but glad to see some things haven't changed."

Steve laughed in return. Then turning a bit more serious, still relaxed and smiling, "So, how are you really, Buck?"

"Things are going pretty well, I guess. It's definitely been a hard adjustment coming out of cryo and getting used to being human, you could say. But Shuri has been very patient and is constantly offering to do additional work with me if I feel like I could use more help. I've even gotten to see T'Challa's softer, caring side, which has been a true privilege and comfort. I can see where he will be an excellent King."

"That's great. I'm glad they are treating you so well as you adjust." Steve smiled and then took a deep breath, pausing briefly. "...we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to..."

"No, I know what you are going to ask. It's fine." Bucky also took a deep breath before continuing. He looked at his hands, interlocking his flesh and metal fingers in his lap as he talked. "So far, it's coming back in really small pieces. Shuri has said that I have the potential to get back most, if not all of my memories, but that it will take quite a bit of time. It won't be like a floodgate, which is kind of reassuring actually."

Steve sat quietly, nodding his head and showing Bucky he was paying close attention. He knew it wasn't easy for Bucky to talk about any of this with anyone, so he didn't abuse this privilege.

"What's that been like for you so far?"

Bucky scrunched his face a little, going deeper into thought and finding the words to explain himself. His eyes shifted up as he tried to search for the words to describe the few memories he'd found. "So far, I've only gotten a few pieces. And really, they are pieces of pieces. For instance, you and I have talked a little about the train, so I know that from you. But when I try to get to the memory myself, all I have right now is a bit of hearing the boys talk about how we need to time it right and feeling the moment my feet landed on top of the train."

Bucky's gaze returned to Steve, who now looked a little pained. He knew Steve always felt very guilty about what had happened on the train, but Bucky's feelings and memories of those moments (at least the ones he had retrieved so far) weren't painful. He wanted to reassure Steve, so he adjusted back to his soft smile, even as he fidgeted a little bit with his fingers. "Sometimes it's a little frustrating to not have more, but Shuri has been reassuring that I will continue to remember as time goes on. I'm glad that she isn't fed up with me yet, haha."

Steve started to smile again at Bucky's small joke. "I bet she is actually thrilled to get to work with you. From the little I know about her, she seems to be incredibly smart and can take on almost any challenge. Just don't tell Tony and Bruce that I think she's got the one up on them." Bucky nodded. He was happy that through the Civil War that Steve could still appreciate his relationship with Tony, even if it might be hurtful sometimes. Steve was a truly loyal friend no matter what.

"Buck, obviously, I am always available to you to talk or just spend time with. Anytime, day or night. But I also think Sam may be a good resource for you."

Bucky looked at Steve a little incredulously. "I don't know that Sam and I see eye to eye. I mean, obviously you and he have a great relationship and I'm sure some of that will rub off on me eventually. But not sure he'd want to talk to me much..."

"I get what you are saying, but Sam is a good guy, even if he can be a pain in the ass sometimes. He can be a bit protective and difficult to get to know. But once you break through, he'll be as much team Buck as he is team Cap."

Bucky sat there still looking a bit uncertain, but nodding along.

"Really though, I bring up Sam because he has more experience talking about processing trauma and people's time in the military. He used to work at a Veterans Affairs office in DC working directly with vets about their experiences and reentering into society. Obviously, your situation is always going to be unique, but he may be able to help in a way that the rest of us can't. So, just something to consider, another person who is available to help you, if you want."

Bucky nodded again and smiled. He appreciated how Steve looked out for him even when he wasn't always ready for the help. At first, Bucky hadn't been sure how comfortable he would be to spend time with Steve or open up to him. Things could never be the same as they were before everything that had happened. But he also understood that Steve was the same good person he grew up knowing. Even when the Winter Soldier was ready to punch his way through Captain America's skull, Steve had put down his shield, put up his hands, and trusted the Bucky was still there and could do the right thing. Bucky hadn't experienced someone trusting him like that in as long as he could remember (the little he did remember at all). Even when he was ready to push Steve away or keep him at arms length, Bucky thought to himself- Steve trusts me. Even after everything that has happened and that I've done, I've got to keep trying to be worthy of that trust.

"Ok, Steve. I'll think about it. Not sure I'm ready for that right now, but I appreciate you mentioning it." Steve knew that was a pretty positive response from Bucky, so he took it as a big win.

"Probably time for us to head to bed if I'm going to be up in 5 hours."

"Up at 8am after a night like this? Just sleep in, Steve!"

Steve chuckled as they got up and started walking towards their rooms. He put an arm around Bucky's shoulders. "That IS sleeping in!"

Bucky laughed. He thought to himself- they were still just a punk and a jerk. So, happy to be back together.

Listen to: "Gone, Gone, Gone" - Phillip Phillips