Untangling a Memory

The search

"Hey Buck, are you feeling ok?"

Bucky shuffled up to the counter in the kitchen after the sleepless night. The bags under his eyes hung heavy as Steve handed him a cup of coffee. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just had trouble sleeping."

"Anything in particular?"

"Just one of those nights." Bucky rubbed his eyes and combed his fingers through his hair, as he willed himself to perk up.

Steve leaned back against the counter as he chatted with Bucky. He always worried about his friend when he knew he wasn't sleeping, but it had been a long time since Steve had seen the evidence of the rough nights Bucky experienced.

"Have you seen Nat yet this morning? I still haven't seen her around."

Bucky hoped Steve didn't notice as he became more on edge at the question that was posed to him. "I heard her rattling around last night late after you guys went to bed, but I haven't seen her yet. Typically she and I go for a long run on Thursdays though, so I figured I'll just see her out on our usual trek. I'm sure she's out somewhere getting some space, you know."

Steve nodded and turned back to cooking some pancakes, seemingly unaware to the lie that he'd just been told. Bucky closed his eyes and let out a silent sigh.

He absolutely hated to lie to his friend, but he wasn't prepared to tell Steve the truth yet. Bucky had spent the entire night looking everywhere he could think of to check for Natasha, but had found that trying to look for her in the dark was proving impossible. Even with his advanced training, night searching was fruitless.

Finally, after hours of looking for her, Bucky had returned to the palace and laid on the couch reading, hoping that Natasha would show up just as she had last time. But he knew, deep down, that this wouldn't be the case. Last time, she hadn't packed a bag, it hadn't felt so permanent, and he hadn't been quite as terrified as he was now.

Bucky wanted to return to his search first thing after breakfast and he was determined to do it by himself. While both Steve and Sam had suggested joining for the run, Bucky shrugged it off, saying that it might be good for him and Natasha to still have something from their usual routine for now. So, after a large meal of pancakes, sausages, and fruit, Bucky hurried away to head out for his run/lsecret search.

In reality, Bucky had avoided their company because he was too scared of what Natasha's flight from their apartment might have meant. Bucky had intense anxiety that he had caused it by his actions the night before her appointment with Shuri, through his small declaration of feelings towards her. 

He had also begun to wonder what had happened during her appointment. While he knew from his own experience that his physical work-ups with Shuri could be quite time-consuming, Bucky's issues were very extensive. Natasha's appointment seemed like it was going to focus around her ankle and maybe reviewing her other injuries, so it appeared to have lasted considerably longer than he would have originally thought. Whether there was a reason that the appointment ran long or something stressful happened over the course of it, Bucky wondered if this had an effect on Natasha's attitude as well.

The last thing that  worried Bucky was how the change of having Steve and Sam home was affecting Natasha. He wondered whether he'd assumed he and Natasha were closer than they were and now that the others had returned, he was smothering her or otherwise making her uncomfortable. To make things worse, there was also the little voice in Bucky's head that still wondered about the way Steve and Natasha interacted with each other, how comfortable they looked. Maybe Bucky had created a level of emotional intimacy in his mind that he never really had with Natasha just because he was jealous of the closeness shared by her and Steve.