Untangling a Memory

End the cycle

The next morning felt a bit off to Natasha. She had an appointment with Shuri in the early afternoon that Bucky was helping her get ready for, but he felt very distant. Where they had spent most of the time together since she had gotten out of her surgery, hanging out on the couch watching tv or reading, this morning was the opposite.

Bucky had woken up early, checked in briefly with Natasha to see if she'd needed anything, and then gone for a long run. When he returned, he just smiled at her as he walked back through the common space toward his room, but never breaking stride. After he'd showered and dressed, he'd gotten Natasha into her wheelchair and up to her room, so that she could wash up as well, but this was all done with minimal conversation. He didn't seem upset, just exceedingly polite, as if they barely knew each other.

Natasha sat on the stone ledge in shower wondering what could have caused the change in his behavior. She had initially been self-conscious once she had realized he must have seen her bathtub-bed set-up when retrieving her pillows, but that was days ago. So, she ran over the details of each of the days since and came up with nothing. Natasha wasn't sure whether to worry she'd done something or whether something had happened to Bucky overnight.

After washing up completely and redressing best she could in some loose running shorts and a t-shirt, Natasha called back for Bucky to pick her up.

"Hey, Tin Man! I'm ready to go!" Natasha shouted.

She was able to move herself in the wheelchair a bit now, but let Bucky push her most of the time, since her muscles around her ribs were still sore. When she wheeled herself over to the door and pulled it open, Bucky was sitting on the end of her bed, reading. The sight of him there sent a wave through her nerves.

"You been sitting there the whole time?"

Bucky closed the book and looked up at Natasha with a soft smile. "I didn't want you to be alone in case anything happened."

Natasha smiled in response. "So protective!"

Bucky hopped up and got to pushing her chair. Where this would normally cause him to blush, it barely elicited a response. As he pushed her toward the elevator, they continued in silence. The stillness was deafening to Natasha.

While she was still recovering from her dream the night before, she struggled to see him so withdrawn. It triggered her feelings from long ago of seeing him pull back when he felt too exposed and vulnerable. She also struggled with her own vulnerability, but she wanted him to feel safe around her, especially now as he was recovering.

"Hey Barnes?" Natasha decided she needed to make the first move.

"Yeah, what's up? Did we forget something in your room?" Bucky paused as he looked back in the direction from which they'd came.

Natasha turned her head and looked up at him. "No, no. I'm good. But I'm not sure if you are. You've been so quiet this morning. Is everything alright?"

Bucky looked at Natasha, bright green eyes studying his face. He realized only in this moment how he had, in fact, been avoiding her. Unconsciously, he had been creating space all morning, a trap he fell into sometimes of pushing people away. He wasn't sure how he'd developed this pattern of creating distance, but when it happened he rarely was aware that he'd done it or why he was.

Bucky's brow furrowed. His face was a mix of shame and emptiness, frustration that he couldn't come up with a good answer because he really didn't know. It was a face she recognized from her dream the night before and many, many times in the past.

"It's ok if you don't know or don't want to say. I just wanted to check." Natasha's tone was full of care, her face warm and reassuring.

Bucky bit his lip and nodded his head. He had a lost dog look about him, that he couldn't shake as he tried to figure out why he'd become withdrawn.