Untangling a Memory

Bad dreams remedy

Natasha walked into the kitchen in the morning, ready for her coffee. Bucky was already sitting at the counter and he looked exhausted. His eyes were heavy, with dark circles underneath, and his whole body gave away a defeated disposition.

"Let me buy you a cup of coffee and you can tell me your troubles," Natasha said with a smirk as she grabbed a couple of mugs.

Bucky looked up at her and gave her a half smile. "Rough night of sleep."

"I can see that." Natasha passed him the coffee and poured her own. "Wanna tell me about it?"

"Hmmm, not really. Just some dreams keeping me up."

She sipped from her soup-bowl-sized mug. "Ah, those kinds of dreams. I get those too."

Bucky sat playing with his mug he'd been given. "So, what do you do when that happens to you?"

Natasha took a big swig and smirked over the top of her mug. "I start by drinking a lot of coffee, then sit on the terrace with some breakfast, followed by a long run and a longer shower."

Bucky sat back considering what Natasha had suggested. Then, even though he didn't usually drink coffee, he took a nice drink from his mug of the dark, highly-caffeinated liquid. "Ok. What's for breakfast?"

"Whatever you're making." Natasha walked out from behind the island and gestured to the stove. "The kitchen is yours, maestro."

She parked herself on a stool as Bucky started on some eggs. "How do you take them?"

"Over easy, please." Natasha grinned from her stool. She enjoyed watching any of the boys in the kitchen when they were making her food. Both because she liked watching them work, but also because it meant another meal without her amazing PB&J skills. She took gulps of her coffee before asking for a refill.

Bucky got out some strawberries and an orange from the fridge, grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl, and placed them all on the counter in front of Natasha. She looked confused as he took out a cutting board and knife and placed them in front of her as well. "You're helping." Bucky smiled and turned back to his eggs.

Natasha looked bewildered, but accepted her orders. As she cut the fruit (and sipped heavily on her second mug), Bucky made toast and plated the eggs. Once they were done and she'd loaded the plates with fruit, he carried them outside to the terrace.

They sat quietly eating. Bucky smirked and turned to Natasha, "so, this is what you do after bad dreams."

"Yes, this is exactly what I do after bad dreams." Natasha smiled at Bucky as she sat crosslegged in her chair eating her breakfast. It was a lovely sunny day and she was glad to be helping to turn Bucky's morning around. After nearly two weeks of silence, she remembered how nice it had been to spend some time together.

After they'd had breakfast and sat around for a bit quietly on the terrace, letting their food digest, Bucky and Natasha both changed into running clothes. By this time, Steve and Sam were awake as well. Steve had run into Bucky in the hallway and invited him to the gym, but Bucky said he already had plans with Natasha. Steve was thrilled to see them hanging out again and didn't push any further.

Bucky and Natasha headed out of the palace, down the walkways, down the streets, and out into the fields. Natasha ran as fast as she usually did and Bucky kept speed with her. She knew that he was slowing himself down on purpose, but she appreciated having a running buddy, so she said nothing. Natasha led them to a favorite spot of hers, at the edge of some tall brush where it stopped to look over a lake, and they sat for a break.

"Ok, so tell me what the dream was about." Natasha turned to look at Bucky who was laying on his back, knees bent, arms across his chest. His eyes had been closed, but now he raised just his head to look irritatedly at Natasha who was sitting next to him.

He lay his head back down and closed his eyes again. "I'm good, thanks." Natasha just starred at him, eyes narrowed, as if interrogating him without speaking. Bucky could feel her stare and opened one eye to look at her. "Nope." He closed his eyes again and put his arms behind his head, reclining.

"Ok, well then, I'll have to guess. Was it about cats? Dogs? Frogs? Frogs on logs by bogs playing with pogs." Bucky let out a breath, allowing his body to relax even further into his settled state.

"Hmmm, about playing frisbee. With a panda. In a castle. On the Las Vegas Strip." Bucky didn't respond at all.

"No, it was about a girl. A guy? It was about Sam! Yes, Sam! A hot dream about Sam, I never would have pegged you for it." Natasha's eyes were wide, smile huge. She was delighted with herself. Bucky's eyes finally snapped open and he gave her a light shove with his right hand.  She just kept smiling.

"Ok, fine." Bucky continued to lay on his back with his hands behind his head, looking up at the sky now. He did his best to start to explain. "I don't really know what I dreamt about. I mean I do, but it's so fragmented that it's really difficult to know exactly what it was."

Natasha pushed her blonde tresses out of her face and behind her ear. "Ok, can you give me an example?"

Bucky paused before responding, his face getting all screwy as he thought. "So, last night, for example, I had a dream that was pretty clear. It was about when I landed on the train with Steve, before I got blown out of the train and fell to my supposed death. I mean, it's not a dream, it's a memory, but I saw more of it last night. Each time I see it, I get a little more detail."

Natasha nodded as she listened. She watched Bucky's face as he spoke, how he searched the sky as if he was looking for each thought in his head.

"Then there are other parts that are just tiny pieces. Like last night there was one where I was surrounded by snow. It was almost all that I could see, except maybe a building." Bucky stopped himself before he went into too much detail. He didn't want Natasha to judge him on his very fragmented memories that he couldn't even be sure were anything more than dreams.

"Was that what kept you up?"

"No, it was the last one." Bucky furrowed his brow as he thought about this, letting out a sigh. "I dreamt about holding a gun. Like really holding it. Grasping it. Ready to use it." He paused, scanning the blue above him. His face looked pained and frustrated. "And it felt good, to have my finger..." Bucky trailed off, closed his eyes and pursed his lips.

Natasha let the silence hang for a moment. "Good to have your finger on the trigger, wanting to shoot," Natasha said mournfully. The way the words fell out of her mouth, it was clear she'd had the same experience, inclination, dream.

Bucky opened his eyes and looked towards her. Natasha had her head down as she was tracing circles on the side of her sneaker with her finger. "Yeah." He said it with a tone that expressed complete mutual understanding. He hadn't been prepared for her response, but it hit him hard. It wasn't just him who had these feelings, these bad dreams.

He turned his head back to looking at the sky, his face more relaxed now. "It's weird. Some of them I know are truly memories, like the train and the gun. But the snow... that could just be a dream. How do I know what are dreams and what are memories? If someone else can't tell me for sure, how will I know what's true." Bucky moved his hands back to his chest, as if unconsciously protecting his heart as he said this.

Natasha looked back to Bucky. She had a much better understanding of what he was going through now, how he struggled to sort himself out. She had always had a tough time finding her way through her dreams and nightmares, her's also drenched in memories. But not knowing what was true must have been exhausting. 

Natasha laid down next to Bucky on the grass and looked up at the sky as well. The clouds were white, puffy marshmallows floating slowly through the blue over them.

"Let's plan some new dreams for you to have tonight."

Bucky looked to Natasha and smiled. Natasha smiled back warmly.

"How about a date for your dream- Do you think Sam would be a better big spoon or little spoon?"

Bucky elbowed Natasha in the ribs as they let their big laughs carry away their bad dreams.  

Listen to: "All at Sea" - Jamie Cullum